Absurdity, Chaos, and the State of the Philippines Today

For, truly, is it not absurd?

Perhaps there is a truth in the analysis that, given the weakness of our fundamentals - economic, social, political - as well as the length, breadth and scope of the corruption of the system - again, economic, social, political and add to that cultural and religious - the Philippines is, to coin a phrase, in deep shit.

The thing is, is it, truly, as deep as either our so-called specialists and - eternally damn them to hell and the creatures that spawned them - the opposition paint it to be?

How much, truly, of the current mess is because Gloria screwed up bad - and, make no mistake, she did, has and still is, wonder of wonders for someone supposedly so brilliant - or simply because some certain of our good citizenry painted it so much worse?

Is there, truly, chaos? Are we as much on the brink as so many voices say these days, or are those same voices pushing us all to that edge?

It is so absurd: Filipinos are inherently hardy, but we all saw - twice! No, in fairness to Jerome, thrice! - what happens when hardship becomes too much. The Filipino's back doesn't get broken by the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel's back... we kick back at the oppressor. Hard. Where it hurts. Enough to bring our oppressor down.

So why are they not kicking back? Oh, c'mon: socio-civic fatigue? Give me a break. Does anyone, anyone, actually believe that, given all the shit the Filipino has gone through, that they'd just either bear with all this crap because there are no percieved options?

Just how much can our so-called "analysts" insult this great people?

Of course, it can't be denied that Gloria has made such a royal mess of everything. I can't think of what she or her surprisingly stupid handlers and advisers have not done wrong. I may not agree with a lot of what Lito Banayo says, but his description of Gloria and her troupe seems right on the money: punch drunk.

Or is this all one massive maskirovka? The little lady making it look like she's all vulnerable so her equally (or more so) stupid opponents would stick their heads out, literally volunteering to have them severed by the headman's axe...

I read the papers everyday. At least three of them. Because its my job. And aside from those columns written by priests, or those by socio-cultural and historical writers, everything seems to be about doomsday is coming. I don't have to read de Quiros' often seditious writing, or those obviously seditious ones in the Tribune to see all that.... negativity....

One of the things you aren't taught outright in Communications is the way anyone who knows information flows and processing within a society can manipulate that flow for a desired outcome. But its there. It is in the core of every theory and principle of communications, advertising, journalism and public relations. The Sender-Reciever Model, when expanded and properly appreciated, is like a manual for the Communications major on how to use that one powerful weapon of modern society: social engineering. You know how information moves from each factor in the system, and how it is processed. You can manipulate that information so that it becomes the stimulus for your intended effect. Isn't that, in its most rudimentary form, how advertising works? You implant a particular stimulus inside the target market's mind, so when he or she comes across the associated trigger, you might have the desired outcome.

I wonder if these columnists think they're doing a service to the Republic by crawing like stormcrows over a storm that, even it hits, may not be as bad as they say it is? Hurricanes happen despite our control of the atom, but when someone knows that a storm coming, what do most sensible people do? They make the ship or house as tight as they can so they'll have a chance to live through the experience. And if they're additionally responsible, they'll help their neighbors prepare.

All this... crawing... what purpose does it serve except to deafen the sound of the church bells calling the people to gather and prepare? Why don't they instead craw against the predators in the midst, those who wish to take advantage of the storm to rape, pillage and plunder once more? ALTERNATIVES! SHOW US ALTERNATIVES! Who, those cowards in the Netherlands? Those bloodthirsty, intolerant, godless lieutenants they left behind who sap the strength of our youth by hoodwinking them to the supposedly historical inevitability of their dead religion?

Who, the so-called "opposition"? Please. I can accept why many among the general public believes these jokers, but... really now. Isn't it soo obvious....

*sigh*

There is nothing that brings me down more than a people acting like... lemmings. Incredible, isn't it? Whatever the hell is happening to the Philippines now, it's not (a) something we can't fix because (b) it's never really too late. Not when a people can bring together their collective energy, talent and skill to put their house in order. Perhaps it is true that travelling gives you a new perspective, and what it has done to me is appreciate the fact, that, yes, God has been kind to the Filipino. We are not Somalia. We are not shattered Yugoslavia. We are not East Timor. We are not, most definitely not, Argentina.

Yet... there is this seeming battle of... perceptions. I can See because my Training allows me to, both that of a regular Communications Major and the more advanced ones of my Mentat protocols. It would seem that the First Estate has bungled badly, and the Fourth is making it look so much worse while elements of the First take advantage of the whole situation to make it look much worse so they can regain power. The Third... is still nebulous to me, which can be fatal for a Mentat. The Second... is everywhere and nowhere, putting fires out, while fanning others to a conflagration, singing hosannas to God all the while.

All this chaos.

Yet the people go on. They strive, despite their leaders, to make little islands of serenity, stability and hope. Despite all the crowing of the Fourth Estate, the people still hear music, still hear laughter. There is, beneath all this chaos... something else. Something, though not exactly the bright tomorrow, is at least a calmer space. A place where there is hope, where people build, or at least try to. Again, despite their leaders.

All this chaos. All of it so... absurd. Like lemmings leaping off a cliff.

Or... maybe not... sometimes, the Human spirit needs chaos in order to leapfrog its growth. It is like spiritual kaingin, burning the dry grass to give a chance for new life to grow.

But... it's all so... disjointed...

How can there be anger and chaos among people who just want to live in peace and security?

Import #2 from my My Space: Musing on the Canvass of Votes

Thursday, June 17, 2004, 3:55 PM

Musings on the Canvassing of Votes

Considering how the Canvass of Votes at the Batasan has been going, you'd think people would refuse to give it a damn. Yet, there ARE lots of people in that gallery who were not bussed in by any of the camps involved, and many still tune in either for the live coverage or the news updates. Heck, I even saw the piece CNN did on the Canvass, or rather the delay in the Canvass.

Perhaps, after so many political upheavals, the Filipino has developed a... rapt fascination for political absurdity. As a Communications graduate (who wants to do an MA thesis on political communications), I guess I can appreciate the fundamental aspects of this fascination: it's not something the general public sees everyday (and they should be thanking God for it believe me...), which makes it a novelty - no matter how absurd - and therefore merits the attention it’s getting.

While watching Part N of the Digs Dilangalen Show, I actually entertained thoughts of how that loud, LOUD person could be made to shut up; wasn't there a sanction or some such that can be thrown his way, I asked our political operations officer. Looking at it in another way, such... antics from the "Honorables" of Congress is perhaps part of the appeal of the damned spectacle to the general public. Especially "Shut Up Evening", the whole Canvass could neatly fall in the "Hwow" category of Things You Watch to Forget Your Problems. It's like the mental equivalent of an enema: hurts like hell (hello, you get something shoved up your butt), but you get relief from whatever your hurting from. Well, kinda relief. More like catharsis.

Because I'm coming off from an as-yet unknown-sourced depression, I've refused using my analytical protocols to getting down to analyzing the whole thing and its effects on the national psyche. I know, I know: what I'm doing, this refusing to act the Mentat that I am, is tantamount to gross negligence. But... the whole thing is stressful than an episode of your most inane telenovela!

Of course, since I'm a Mentat and I DO check most of my information sources nightly, some analyses can't be avoided. I guess I should start with the bad ones:

Analysis One: The Opposition. In more mature democracies, Oppositions play an important role as the natural fiscalizers of the Administration. They are and SHOULD be the Incumbent's worst critics simply because an Opposition's role is to provide alternatives. Options, and the freedom to choose from a, b, c, ad infinitum, is the essence of democracy.

To use a literary term, Oppositions are the FOIL of the Administration, which for purposes of literary analogy we are calling the "Protagonists" (certainly they see themselves that way). Foils are not necessarily Antagonists by definition: they are simply the obverse of the protagonists. I think a good example most Filipinos could relate to are the Noli Me Tangere characters Crisostimo Ibarra and Elias: one was a pacifist reformist, the other a revolutionary who didn't mind getting his hands wet with blood. But both wanted a free Philippines, or at least one that wasn't too oppressed.

The Opposition right now, led by such characters as Ed Angara, Tito Sotto, Digs Dilangalen and - horror of horrors - Nene Pimentel are acting more like the antagonists of the Filipino people than foils to the sitting government. I hope nobody believes their drivel that what they're doing is in the interests of a fair, clean elections. Even those ten they paraded in Cebu... we have reliable information that backs up the driver's story about the 10 being plants of the Opposition. How reliable? We know who the guy is, the one who "found" the 10.

Its one thing I have great difficulty in accepting: that there ARE people who would literally endanger the life of the Republic and its people for personal gain and survival. For make no mistake, the Elections of 2004 was about survival, political and literal. I can accept the right of any individual to see to his betterment and continued existence, but the minute that person would be willing to sacrifice the lives of 70 million or so people is the minute that person loses that right.

Which leads me to Analysis Two: The Pimentel Phenomenon. I think this can be best summed in two phrases: "Why?" and "What the Hell?" I voted for the man last May 10, considered him a Statesman for his conduct during the RIO. He just won, on the strength of being just that, a statesman in an opposition largely bereft of such. Yet... I remember watching that filibuster evening. First there was confusion. Then shock, as Pimentel began what would be the start of a four hour filibuster. Finally, anger and indignation. I read Manuel Quezon III's piece on the filibuster and generally agree with his points, that the filibuster serves a purpose in democracies and parliamentary systems of governance.

But what Pimentel did was utterly... horrible. It wasn't just about your tax pesos going down the drain (Goodness, but that was some very expensive saliva), but about political maturity. MLQ3 used as an example that episode in The West Wing where the filibuster was used. But there WAS a valid reason for that filibuster. I can't seem to find one in Pimentel's. Is he perfectly willing to subject the nation to a constitutional crisis just to salve his wounded ego? There are far more effective ways to redress alleged cheating in the elections other than delaying the canvass with full intentions.

There are two theories supporting the Pimentel Phenomenon. One states that he's acting this way because of his passionate denunciation of dagdag-bawas; the man knows how it feels, after all, to be at the receiving end of cheating. The funny things about Theory One is that (a) the persons responsible for HIS being the target of dagdag-bawas ran with him in the KNP ticket, and (b) he never addresses cheating that was instigated by the KNP side. It's all about the Admin. If he IS against dagdag-bawas, then shouldn't he just as passionately be admonishing his colleagues in the KNP for their own operations?

Theory Two was also applied to Digs: that Pimentel ACTUALLY believes his own group's propaganda. This is frightening because Pimentel is still rather credible. If it were Sotto, Oreta or Enrile who was leading the assault on the canvass, would you give it any worth? But if Pimentel is a statesman, and a brilliant one at that, a veteran politician, shouldn't he recognize party BS from Truth? Jovy Salonga is much older, but try to put a fast one on the Grand Old Man and be prepared to get screwed big time.

Analysis Three is a bit scarier: The Opposition's Plans to Be in Power. I think we can also call this the, "Screw the Elections, We Won Regardless of What the Ballots Say" scenario. The flag points are all there: psycho-emotional preconditioning for massive cheating through priming statements; allusions to EDSA I, where the popular will was used to invalidate the Dictator-dictated ballots; "special operations" to follow up the priming statements and allusions, like the bombing of Katipunan Ave. and the Cebu 10; Poe going around and saying "I, er, we, er, the people won!"

Sotto, speaking during the rather tense episode of 16 June 2004, of course denied the allegations that they planned a walkout. But even as he did, everybody knows that the threat of such - who's stopping them from doing so? - is the Sword of Damocles that the opposition has over the majority for dragging the canvassing this long. The chairs of the committee can't shut the opposition up because they CAN and WILL walk out. In fact, that's what they're waiting for, that moment either Kiko Pangilinan or Raul Gonazalez buckles due to sheer exasperation and uses the power of their position and the majority to stop all the debates.

The walk out is the trigger. The opposition, ala-1986, will claim that the admin has railroaded the canvass and will now bring the "battle" to a different field, that of mass actions. Our current analysis shows that the KNP camp lacks the numbers, but I think our analysis failed to account for one factor: the "mainstream" Left. The National Demcorats - Bayan, Bayan Muna, Gabriella, AnakPawis, Migrante, NUSP, CEGP, LFS, SCMP, etc. - whose disdain for GMA and long-term goals of establishing a Communist state in the Philippines made them ally, albeit hush-hush, with FPJ and the KNP.

Those monitoring the opposition currently believe that any such attempt at hijacking the elections results via mass actions will ultimately fail: the general public is tired of it all and the AFP and PNP are largely non-adventurist, post-Oakwood. There is no support from the Catholic Church or the Iglesia for such, and the Catholic Student Councils, under the lead of the UCSC and CEAP, will not side with such an action by the KNP and its allies and will in fact most likely lead actions to defeat it on a civil society level.

But it will do damage. Lots of damage. Remember: the Philippines was well on the way to recovering from Martial Law when Gringo Honasan launched his nearly-successful coup in 1989. It was like a punch to the solar plexus for the Philippines.

But there are bright spots even in this dreary political landscape. For one, all this political activity is raising the political consciousness of the average Filipino. We've been tracking gestalts since the Estrada Impeachment up to the Davide Impeachment and it seems like Filipinos now think more on issues than gut-feel emotions when it comes to the political sphere.

And there's also the junking of People Power as a political tool. Of course, it will be used as such when the proper "ingredients" are there and the moment requires it, but nevermore like with May 1, 2001. Even as we used it in 2000, there was still the apprehension that certain groups could hijack it for their own purposes. People in mass actions are in an agitated state, and could be easily swayed by persons with the right training and skill. Besides, even then, we in KOMPIL II wanted to see the consti process of the Impeachment Court succeed. Mature democracies are founded on the efficacy of their institutional tools. People Power, as used in I and II and abused in May 1 2001, is still an extra-consti measure and therefore lacks the safeguards of democratic institutional processes. People Power is STILL a revolutionary action, albeit one without (much) bloodshed. And with the operators of civil society now in the employ of all sides, the chances of People Power being used for means other than what it should be for is higher than back in 2000.

In the end, no matter what happens in Congress or who gets sworn as President, the future of the Philippines still resides in its people. Sovereignty resides in the People and all government authority emanates from them. If this canvassing will serve to make the Filipino realize this, and use it responsibly to its fullest... then all this heartache and stress will be worth it.

Questions to Life

If I give up, will it matter?

If I go, will anyone come after me?

If I die, will anyone shed tears?

Must we who swore Oaths to serve and defend His people, to do His will, pay so high a price?

Do I have a right to be human when nobody, except one or two in my whole life, denied that right to me?

If I cry, is there anyone who will dry my tears?

If I scream, will anyone be around to fight my fears away?

Will anyone reach out for my hands when I am drowning?

What am I doing wrong? Why do bastards like Francis and Docefil rarely find themselves lonely? Why, by God's Most Sacred Light, am I lonely?

Why is it that when they need me to be there I can drop every fucking thing I'm doing but when I just need them to be with me, just so I can forget the sorrow trying to swallow me alive... it is sooooooo hard to find any of them?

What now?

Where to?

What is left of me?

Have we lost the war?

Do I even have a right to ask?

How - and why - can I love so much, care so much, when repeatedly it's been proven that, at the end of the day, those things don't matter?

Why do I even try?

Why am I still alive, then?

Thoughts Expressed in Music: Here Without You (3 Doors Down)

Artist: 3 Doors Down
Album: Another 700 Miles
Title: Here Without You

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

Reflections on the (Possible) Truth in Futility

Everytime I get to thinking on a certain... sensitive issue, and whenever my thinking appears to have reached a certain, rather negative, conclusion, I seem to hear, over and over again, the words - reminder, really - of my old Philo mentor, Dr. Clemens Sedmak, on Truth: Be carfeul of the Truths you accept, because they will determine the consequences you must face.

But, even knowing the consequences that must be faced given a certain Truth, what if you have no choice but to accept that Truth? Because all the evidence points to it?

And then there are the Mentat protocols. Computations reached within the analytical protocols of a Mentat depend largely on the inputed data; after all, Mentats in Frank Herbert's Dune were supposed to be human computers. Thufir Hawat, the Mentat-Assassin of the Atreides in Dune, said that Mentats have a curse: you can't stop analyzing data. The data presented to you. They stack up in myriad patterns in your mind in the space of heartbeats, showing you all the possible iterations given the data you recieve.

You... can't... stop... analyzing... Even if you want so badly to deny what the analysis is leading towards. Which is why I have mental feedback episodes: it is me blocking my analysis by meeting the thoughts head on with static thought, causing the necessary imbalance to block the process.

But, just as I reflect on futility here, so is any attempt to block out one's analysis. It is futile. Just like the medieval Church, no matter how much you insist on it, or persecute people for it, you will eventually have to admit that the Earth is round and we are but one of nine (or eight, depending on who you ask) that orbit an average, middle-age star.

Futile. But there is a conundrum here: certain actions must have a specific form of reaction. One cannot push a ball and see it fly away! No! The ball must move in the direction of your force! If you hit a person, how high are the chances that your victim will smile at you and turn the other cheek? The Good must be honored, and Evil punished. The hardworking man must get his just desserts, while the corrupt, lazy, oppressive official should at least be behind bars.

In a very real sense, this action-reaction principle is what forms part of the foundation for a Mentat's analytical templates. Because reality is grouped into cause-effect system maps in your mind, you can process data faster. Because, given a set of actions, there are just so-and-so reactions and results. A good strategist depends on this predictability. Even if desperation makes a person's actions unpredictable, you at least know that that person will most certainly do anything, so you are prepared to handle whatever may come.

Yet, yet...

If you treat people with kindness, how will they treat you in return? If you stay by someone's side through pain, sorrow, frustration and trials, how should that someone feel about you? If you are loyal to your beloved, and show her all the understanding, caring and support you can give, not putting shackles on her but allowing her to fly free, and show her that you revel in her strength and brilliance, even without asking for what you give her shouldn't there be a reaction appropriate to your actions? If you serve your organization with the utmost skill and dedication at your command, what value would your organization give you, then?

My father told me this, just this afternoon: it doesn't pay to be loyal these days; they will never remember what you did for them, even if it was just yesterday. They will meaesure you only by what you give today.

He was talking about organizations and corporations there - a swipe at my loyalty to the Party and the Movement - but part of me kept coming back to nrealy three decades of observations.

These days, you show kindness, virtue and nobility of spirit, you are considered stupid, naive or weak, your kindess and virtue used against you by the cynics and pragmatists of this world. The person you stood beside today might turn on you tomorrow when you are the one suffering trials and pain, if it can advance their personal agenda. Your beloved, even given all the love, caring, understanding and freedom you showered on her, can leave you like so much waste paper if someone else can provide the most fun, or if she simply tires of you. Your organization, especially if it is under new management, can so easily tabula rasa your whole service record, place new people above you, and disregard the fact that, despite so little resources and opportunities in the previous times, you held the line for your organization, that you served it with so little compensation for so much pain and sacrifice.

Is it truly so... futile, then? We try to light a candle in the dark because we believe that light is good, but... why is there so much that blows out your candle? You hold people's hands over treacherous ground, if only so they will not be alone in that trial... but they push you away, after. You hear them cry for honor, kindess, virtue, understanding and freedom. But when you give it to them, you are taken advantage of, abused, misused, set aside. You are stepping stone, stopgap, substitute, cannon fodder.

You are expected to be there for them, be strong for them, to fight away their fears, dry their tears, slay their dragons.

And you do so. Because you love them, you care for them: your country, your beloved, your friends, your colleagues, your organization. You do so , not because you expect something in return, but because you know this is what is right.

But Maybe it is wrong to say you do not expect something in return because you do: you expect them to trust you, to respect you, to know that there is someone here who they can love and care for who will not hurt them or leave them or hinder their advancement. Because you love them , and have heard them cry out in pain and sorrow and hardship and you say, "no! It is not all pain and sorrow! I am here!"

So why do they despise you?

Why did they stab you in the back?

Why did they leave you?

Why are you alone, hurting, bleeding, dying from the wounds that were made on you by the very people you served and cared for?

Why is it that when it is your turn to reach out for help because you are drowning, because you cannot not heed your wounds anymore... not only is there nobody there, but they slap your hands away?

Futile. Oh-so-futile.

Among Tolkien's works, I consider my favorite his Silmarillion. Especially the story of the First Age, when the Noldor defied the Valar and returned to Middle Earth to recapture the Silmarils from Morgoth, falling under the Doom of Mandos for that defiance and for the Kinslaying. Eventually, despite the strength of the Noldorin realms in Beleriand and the Three Houses of the Edain they fall, thrown back in the Dagor Bragollach and decimated in the Nirnaeth Arnoeidiad. Finally, even their last refuge at the Mouths of Sirion falls. Victory over Morgoth was achieved only after Earendil and Elwing make their case before the Valar. By this time, only a pitiful remnant of the Noldor and the Edain are left, their kingdoms laid waste, their works broken.

But this they knew, as was foretold by the Doom of Mandos. Yet they fought on.

Maybe this is why the story of the First Age appeals to me more than the others of Tolkien's because I can appreciate it: I know how it feels to enter into a struggle knowing you will most likely lose. But you do so, anyway. Because, like the Noldor, you hoped somehow for victory, and you wanted to make a point.

So maybe the Noldor and Edain made their point. I wonder if I ever did?

Would that my story would be more like Beren's. Somehow, it seems more like Hurin's.

And that, was truly an exercise in futility.

Will anyone prove me wrong? Will anyone tell me, no, it is not futile?

Or is it also futile, even to ask?

On the Treatment of Benedict XVI in Media

Has anyone noticed the way international media has been treating Benedict XVI's ascendancy to the Papacy? Geez, its almost an unbridled muckraking session. Heck, in Britain, they've already smeared the Pope so bad one commentator said, "you'd think Hitler was the one elected Pope."

This is... appaling. I mean, I had my reservations about Cardinal Ratzinger - I am a Liberal Catholic, after all - but this is too much. Liberal as I am, I do understand why Benedict XVI took the actions and stands that he did. More than the office of Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith and Dean of the College of Cardinals, Benedict XVI experienced some really bad things about the reform movement during his early years as a Catholic theologian.

I think he still retains much of the ideas that marked him as a reform-minded person all those years ago, but he appears to be a man that understands the need to keep certain core values of the Catholic Faith inviolable. Although the Catholic Faith is adaptable to the needs of the time, it has to retain certain core values and principles if it is to remain true to Christ's teachings.

Maybe that's why I haven't been so critical of Benedict XVI as I expected if Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger was elected Pope. Yes, initially I though it was bad news to elect the leading conservative of the Catholic Church to its highest post. But amidst all the attacks on the man in media, what I think are the essential truths about Benedict XVI has greatly softened my views of him.

As Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith, he had to be "God's Rottweiler"; the job needed him to be so. But as Pope Benedict XVI, I don't think he will be as combative, as hardline. The job has certain small but important differences, foremost of which is that he is now not only the doctrinal head of the heirarchy of the Catholic Church... he is now its Supreme Pontiff, Vicar of Christ and temporal head of Catholic Christiantity. He is now being asked by God not to be His attack dog, but as father to all His people.

And, I think the things that make Pope Benedict XVI so unpalatable to many so-called liberals - and I'm speaking as one myself - is the very thing that will be his greatest achievement: his respect for tradition. Liberal and progressive as we may think we are, we should also accept the truth that the post-modern world has undermined many of the truths and principles that served as foundations for human society for so long. The analogy of people cast adrift amongst the waves of a raging stormy sea is apt. Pope Benedict XVI's insistence in time-honored values will hopefully balance the chaos of a rapidly-advancing world.

We'll see. His first real litmus test is coming soon, in Cologne. This is my personal opinion, but I think Pope Benedict XVI will surprise us all, pleasantly, when he meets the future of Catholic Christianity in his first World Youth Day as father to us all.

First Thoughts on Benedict XVI

For those keeping track at CNN or BBC (or wherever), you probably know already that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Dean of the College of Cardinals and Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith, is the 265th Vicar of Christ and has taken the name Benedict the 16th.

When I first heard from my sister about it (I was out, sorry), my first reaction was, "oh no." As a Catholic more or less holding liberal views, and as a student of history and knowledgable about what the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith is - the modern incarnation of the Inquisition - I suppose my gut reaction was rather obvious. In fact, if you track the news articles even preceeding JP2's death, there has been tension between the "traditionalists" and "liberals" in the Church. Of course, many of the critics of the ascension of "the Pope's Rottweiler" to the Throne of Peter come from the liberal school of Catholic thought.

But seeing the man for the first time as he gave the "urbi et orbi", I felt different. I don't know; maybe it was seeing the foremost doctrinal enforcer of the Church smiling that did it. Maybe it was the testimonials after about a man who had a human, caring side (check out www.iht.com). But I think we Catholic liberals will be (happily) proven wrong about Pope Benedict XVI.

As the new Pope himself put it, the main tension in Catholicism today is between "fundamentalism" and "relativism." His main concern as Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith was in defending the bedrock of beliefs that make up Roman Catholic Christianity, and his greatest fear was in the erosion of these beliefs by the "relativistic" attitude of a post-modern world, that there was nothing constant. In this, I don't think he was being a "doctrinal dictator": he was simply being a Cardinal of the Church, indeed THE Cardinal primarily entrusted with the defence of the Faith.

Let's wait and see. Despite his conservative outlook, he is a man said to be of excellent and formidable intellectual ability, and one who has shown a side that is human and caring. And, at the end of the day, regardless of what we think of him and his views, Joseph Ratzinger, now Benedict XVI, is still Vicar of Christ, Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. And as Roman Catholics, he is our temporal head. And although we should not follow blindly, we should at least take heed of the words and respect the authority of he who sits on Peter's throne.

Who knows, maybe given the storms buffeting human society in a post-modern and post-9/11 world, what we need is a sure and steady hand to see us through (",)

A Great Man Passes Away: Pope John Paul II, in memoriam

Before 4 this morning, Manila time, Pope John Paul II has... gone home to Christ.

I have never met him personally. In fact, I always maintained - not without a bit of regret - that I was one of the very few Ateneans who did not help in World Youth Day when it came to the Philippines.

But one need not have shook his hand to have felt the sheer... presence of the man. One need only look at the thousands, the millions, who turn out just to see him. The many voices shouting, "JP II, WE LOVE YOU!!!", and the sincerity in those voices to know that this was a man who touched the Human Soul in such an extraordinary way.

And to think that he was Pope of this day and age, a time when the advances in technology, science and culture has largely... trivialized faith. Or distorted it. Despite it all, John Paul II was respected, honored... and loved.

I think some of the most powerful images of the Holy Father were the ones where he comes into contact with the youth. The young of this age are well known for their conflict with the older generations, with authority, with orthodoxy, with conservative thought. "Rebellious" and "disrespectful" are common terms for the youth of today. Yet this man was loved by the young. I have heard somewhere that the adoration of the youth for Pope John Paul II could be likened to the treatment given to rock stars.

I have disagreed with some of his positions, particularly those dealing with gender. One of my theology professors once said that Vatican II made all three primary vocations co-equal, but it was JP2 who "restored" the Augustinian concept of the primacy of the priesthood.

Yet he is the Vicar of Christ. And not only that, but he was a man who deserved one's respect.

Perhaps because you knew that he was... genuine. When he showed how much he cared for the person in front of him, you knew he cared. It wasn't show. It was real. And maybe because I'm a young person myself, his special attention for the youth - this old, powerful man, the representation of ultimate authority and conservatism, yet placed the young first in his heart and understood what they went through, their pain and their confusion in a rapidly changing world - has always touched me deeply.

Part of me says that we need him more now, when so much hope and light have been taken from the world at the turn of this century. Everyday seems like we are coming closer to the Gibsonesque illustration of the future.

But even in his leaving, in his "coming home" to God, JP2 may have left us something precious, his last lesson to the world. Some people were saying that it was bad for them to show his slow progression to death. But he had a final lesson to teach. About life and the dignity of the Human Spirit, of the power of love and faith.

And even at his weakest, at death's door, he still fulfills his duty as God's Vicar, as the leader of His people. How many people have stood united in prayer, even as we stood on deathwatch? His death seems to have, even for a moment, eased tensions between the religions as Muslims, Jews, Anglicans and others prayed alongside us Catholics for this great man.

And maybe he has left me one final lesson, too. Maybe the one I have been looking for these past few months.

Thank you, John Paul II. I raise my Sword to you in salute, not just because you are the Vicar of my Lord, but because you are a person worthy of our respect and our love.

Thoughts on Suicide

While ruminating one day, my thoughts somehow went to suicide. The way my thinking was going, I was asking myself whether it truly is a mortal sin or not.

I said I'd look it up in Canon Law (heh, it even creeped out one of our law studes at LP HQ when I told her, after she saw I had Canon Law up on my browser, why exactly I was looking for it) but because of all the things we did today at work - oh, the stress! - I never got around to doing so. I also said I'd consult my profs and mentors at the Ateneo first but... I just can't wait, somehow, discussing this. It seems important to do so.

I was working on a couple of premises during my internal discussion. Yes, Church law says its a mortal sin. I don't need to look up Canon Law to say that. The branding of suicide as such is premised under the fact that suicide is a form of murder, albeit one where the murderer does not take someone else's life but one's own.

The next premises are what complicate the matter for me, particularly that of Hope, and its absence, and how one views God.

Let us establish the situation of the suicide. For purposes of this discussion, we will exclude fanatics who engage in mass suicides or (groan) terrorists.

Actually, we really can't say with utter authority what a suicide is thinking. We are not a party to the struggles a suicide goes through at the moment of the act. We are not THEM. Most of the time, our knowledge of the mind of the suicide is gleaned from the oftentimes available note, or from statements from survivors of suicide attempts. The picture we form is one of such hopelessness that to the individual so caught in a situation, there is but one option left and that is to end it all with the utter finality of death.

This is where the conundrum is for me. We can only glimpse at the situation of the suicide. Yet even this glimpse should engender in us a feeling at least of pity for the poor soul; isn't it utterly sad that a person is brought to such a situation where the only way out is death? That the negation of the Self is better over what pains the person? Yet for most people, even those closest to the suicide, there is a feeling of... I don't know. Revulsion at the act? Anger? Dissapointment? I often hear people describe suicide as cowardice; in fact, if I recall correctly, I myself have said as much in several occassions.

I just realized yesterday (when I made the original discussion, now lost due to a glitch in my palmtop that erased all my data) that this is sheer arrogance on our part: who are we to judge? We have no idea whatsoever what manner of pain the suicide was going through, why they were lead to such a path. In fact, where the hell were we when the suicide needed us? I have often heard that suicides were actually looking for another means of escape from their situation prior to the act but no one was there. Loneliness is such a powerful booster to hopelessness. It is so easy to think there aren't any options when its so dark and you're all alone, that no matter how hard you cry out for help, for understanding, no one answers. Or worse... they tell you to shut up.

*sigh* I wish that palmtop crash hadn't taken my data with it. My discussion was so clearer then.

My point is this: we humans, through our imperfections, have condemend the suicide. We look unkindly on them as weak individuals even as we mourn them, or even as we console those that survive. To further express our... outrage at the act, we have extended our condemnation to the suicide to the afterlife. The suicide viewed his or her life as hell, and we say that, because of their act of cowardice in the face of adversity, they deserve no less than the real thing at their death.

But... isn't God supposed to be merciful and loving? Is He not supposedly perfect, more so now that He understands what it means to be human when His aspect that is the Son assumed humanity? God knows how it means to toil under the noonday sun, to feel hunger, thirst and fatigue, to know physical pain and the stronger one that comes from a heart abandoned and betrayed.

Wouldn't a God of mercy and love look with pity on the poor, shattered soul of the suicide? Would He rather not grant that soul rest instead of condemning it to everlasting torment? Would He not embrace that lost soul and tell it, "no more tears, no more pain. you are home now" and embrace it, rather than turn His face and bid that soul begone?

I grieve for these lost souls. I know how it is to stand on the edge of the abyss and wonder whether it would be much better to just step off. At least the pain will be over in a matter of seconds. No more tears, no more loss, no more of this nigh-endless struggle.

Two people I know very well are suicides. One was a good friend in high school, and the other in college. I had laughed with them, argued with them, shared stories with them. The one from high school was a very happy person, and the last time my best friend saw him alive, she said he still seemed happy. The one from college was a rather troubled person, but the last time I saw him alive he seemed over the worst of it.

I was not close to either, but there were times after attending their wakes that I wished I could have been there to reach out a hand to them as they drowned in their sorrow. To hold them tight so they will not flee from this life with so much pain in their Hearts.

But I was not there. Were any of their friends there, in the end? All suicides, except the ones we removed from the discussion above, die alone. They die alone, usually in the dark. Alone, and in the dark. What thoughts must have run through their heads as they reached out for the coil of rope, or belt, or knife, or blade, or gun, or bottle of acid?

Yet even I am guilty of forsaking the Wounded, complaining sometimes that I myself am so greviously hurt that I have little strength left. We all carry pain in ourselves. We all avoid pain; that is an instinctive reaction of all that live, because it guarantees survival. The Bene Gesserit of Dune, in their Gom Jabbar trial, say that how one responds to pain and a seemingly hopeless situation determines humanity, that the animal will bite its hand off to escape a trap, while the human will endure the pain so he or she can find an opportunity to deal with the threat.

What if... we stood beside the suicide, set aside our own pain, and offered a hand of help to the other who is being consumed by theirs?

And if we imperfect humans fail to save the life of a suicide... would not a kind, loving and merciful God, one that knows what the human condition is all about, not offer that lost soul the salvation it never found in its lifetime?

Import #1 from my My Space: Commentary on the 10 Years Since the End of Apartheid in S. Africa

Because my little sister (only lately) asked to be added to my My Space friends list, I had the chance to revisit the thing and remembered I made three entries in its blog area. Here's the second one (the first was just an intro entry):

Saturday, April 24, 2004, 9:26 am

South Africa 10 years after Apartheid: Parallax to the Philippines

It's all over CNN: South Africa is celebrating 10 years of freedom.

I just caught a special report on the freedoms now taken for granted in S. Africa, like freedom of the press, a right guaranteed in their consti as much as ours. Prior to that, there was another presentation on the road to equality and freedom. Of particular note was their truth commission. I guess what struck me was the level of... closure the S. Africans as a people were able to derive from that exercise. Suffice to say, it has been considered quite effective in healing the wounds of a nation torn apart by a creed based on color.

Which leaves me to wonder: where have we gone wrong?

Of course, I'm not naive to think that those 10 years of freedom are picture-perfect. Even now, there is still much disparity between blacks and whites in the country, albeit mostly economical.

So what have we been doing wrong? Two EDSAs and neraly a decade later and it seems like we've not only lagged behind... but leapt backward. Way backward.

It's so easy to say that our leaders have led us astray. It is now a common belief in moderate civil society that all our present problems have their roots on Proclamation 1081. Arguably, that's true: Martial Law has horribly scarred the noble Filipino psyche. Then, intense politicking immediately after EDSA I further decimated the political landscape. It all reached a head with the Estrada regime, culminating in the second EDSA.

Now, especially with the elections just over a 2 weeks away, you regularly hear EDSA being bandied about, either as an affirmation or a tool of rejection. A political leader has either lived up to the promises of EDSA... or betrayed them.

To me, it actually beggars the question. True, the fate of a nation hangs in the hands of those few in a position to tilt it to one position or another. History is filled with individuals who have changed the courses of whole nations,and sometimes more than one nation. Nelson Mandela is one, joining, even while alive, an elite group in human history that includes Ghandi or Lincoln or Rizal.

But how much can one man truly achieve? Revolutions, whether the literl kind or the metaphorical one, is never about one man going rambo. Revolutions are about people realizing that that one man's dream is THEIR dream, about a people realizing that it is in their hands to transform that dream into reality so they can forget the nightmare they are in.

I've often heard foreigners ask with thinly-disguised incredulity how such a noble, skilled and gifted race as the Filipino is where it is right now. Sometimes, I find myself asking that, followed by the question on why am I wasting all these years serving a people that doesn't seem to CARE whether everything falls apart around them. Sometimes, I think, that the Filipino has been in adversity all his racial life that he's forgotten how to excell in peace and quiet.

It's US that's the problem. US as a people. We've changed the world many times over and yet we're the basket case of the most rapidly growing region on the planet, when just over forty years ago we were just second to Japan.

Was Mar Roxas that right when he said we've become a nation of incrementalists? That we've forgotten how it is to think big, to dream big?

I watch as South Africans relate their stories about the last ten years. What I find as the common theme among the myriad tales is one of idealism: the country and the people's welfare must come first. Freedom and equality was MADE to work by the South Africans. They fought hard for it, now they strive so hard to make its dream become a reality.

Where are the Filipinos? How many look to foreign shores for a better life rather than staying here and trying to make things work? How many people bitch and gripe about the system when they themselves breach it at every turn? How many Filipinos think about the welfare of their neighbors and their country on a regular basis?

It's so... annoying it hurts: a literate people with access to the latest educational systems, the highest technology, and the skills and gumption to use them. A felxible people, amiable and brilliant and agressively competitve. A people that is religious, generous, ethical at its core

Yet we're a basket case.

Maybe... Maybe it's time the Filipino people looked REAL hard at the man in the mirror. Before its too late.

Killing in the Name of God

Three bombs.

It’s… Somehow, I have this feeling of being infuriated over what happened. It is appalling, of course. Any terrorist act is appalling because of its sheer disregard for the sanctity of life. Warfare is one thing, but the intentional targeting of civilians, no matter the reasoning, is something that is so… inhumane no words are fit to describe the anguish and anger terrorism brings.

And, like I said, it’s also so very infuriating. When I logged off my computer this evening, the peso was on a roll again, standing at 54.56 to a dollar. And despite the impending downgrade by Moody’s, there’s an upbeat feeling to the economy, that we’re well on the way to recovering. A long road to go, perhaps, but we’re on the way.

Now this.

This is hard. People and foreign capital tend to fly in panic like geese hearing a gunshot at such events. There were several clips of foreigners leaving because of the blasts but, then, a shot of a couple of foreigners leaving – for one reason or another, and may not even be connected with he bombing! – can make it look like a herd is doing so. Kainis. Media tend to blow things out of proportion, pun not intended.

And because there is a perception being presented in the media thus, some capital will be lost at the opening of trading later.

Kainis.

Abu Sayyaf claimed the bombing. Part of me wants to say its convenient, but it seems to match their MO. Strangely, though, except for the GenSan bombing, the one in the Metro – which would have done the most damage, it being the financial and political capital of the country – exploded in a not-so-busy (comparatively speaking) area of Ayala Center. God knows there were other targets, but who knows the mind of a terrorist?

What we do know about terrorist thinking is also quite appalling. Here’s what the Abus said when they claimed the bombings:

"We will find any means to inflict more harm to your people's lives and properties, Allah willing," he said in a statement read over the telephone.

"We will not stop until we get justice for the countless Muslim lives and properties that your people have destroyed. May the almighty Allah punish your nation again through our hands."

What’s more appalling than people killing other people than doing it in the name of God? It’s so… contrary. “Allah willing?” Do these radicals mean that Allah is happy when one of His Faithful offers the blood of innocents as a sign of their devotion to him? I may be Catholic, but I don’t think that’s the Allah that the Qu’ran teaches.

Why?

And why can’t we destroy these animals once and for all?

Short Note on Delinquent Blogging

I swore I’d start being an active blogger… Geez… Let’s try to be so one more time, shall we?

Maybe that new Diary Tin bought for me will do wonders for my writing-delinquent brain. Besides, I’ve noticed that a lot of the mental discipline I used to rely on has horribly degraded. Yes, maybe it is time to go back to much of the old rituals…

Like I wrote in my Diary, maybe it's time for the stories to begin again.

Crap hits the Fan

No, this wasn't the post I was making.

An hour's worth of writing, all gooooonnnneeeeee... all because I right-clicked and thought switching to Western European encoding would solve the problem of why my spaces don't show...

An hour's worth...

AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Haha, maybe that's got something to do with Destiny.

But, dammit, that was a nice post...

And I was already thinking of saving it. Like when you learned the hard way to copy-paste your long Friendster testimonials to Word before postig it... I felt I should save it... and wasn't precognition part of the post-that-will-never-see-the-light-of-day-now? Grr. Rob' there is a reason why you're a precog, after all...

GRR-ER.

Thoery of Philippine Education #1: Paradigms on Homework and Readings

This is another of those thoughts I've been having for a long time now. Generally sourced from my observations of certain of my classmates during the time I was still studying, and from my observations of present students, I've been... bewildered, for lack of a better descriptive term, of how sometimes students seem at odds to make heads or tails of certain non-Math homework, particularly readings.

Case in point: Tuesday night, I overhear Matet (one of our proteges in the Union) having problems with a reading assignment. It seems to be Philo, or at least political philosophy, or at least a discussion of a particular philosophy as applied to a particular context. It is, of course, rather common, for today's students to find a certain level of difficulty in immediately grasping the abstractions of philo readings; that the authors would couch their terms in somewhat obscure or... exotic terminology adds to the hell the typical student will go through.

Still, I've observed students who, regardless of the course (and that course not being Math), end up sighing heavily when confronted with scholarly readings. It could be heavy literature in english class, or a research paper in any natural science, or even required theoretical readings on any Major subject. To my mind, this seemed odd. Although I have myself complained quite often about some reading workloads, I complain on the matter of amount of readings and time needed for completion. Speed reader that I am, even I cannot hope to accomplish a certain amount of heavy reading in an unreasonable amount of time and still understand the damned thing enough to get a high grade. Yet, after the customary bitching, it's down to work and I rarely complain on the basis of not understanding the text, nor of having difficulty with it.

Yet... Matet tells me that their whole class, in the time it took me to finish their reading in an hour or so, get to Cubao from Starbucks Katipunan, eat a late dinner, and get to St. Luke's general area, have not even finished half of the reading.

...

Understand: these are not stupid children. I personally will attest to the high intellectual capacity of the students of their school. And many of those students I have observed with the same difficulty are not exactly what you'd call problem students!

So... what's wrong?

I believe that its got something to do with the kids' paradigms, how they approach the issue of their courses, their studies. I've noticed that even the best of students sometimes approach studying as a "task", even "work", in the sense that any weary shaikujin would approach waking up every morning to punch the bundy and wishing it was their boss' face they were punching instead. Observe students at play. Observe students who were made by some teaching savvy or strategem of their professors to not view studying as work but as fun and notice the changes.

Here, some examples: Dr. Clemens Sedmak was truly an unknown when his name appeared on the course lists for that sem's Philo classes. In fact, his class was noted "TBA", and we found out who was our prof at the first day. Even worse, his class time was in the nearly-Lightforsaken hour of 600 p.m., and at Ateneo's Bellarmine Hall - 2nd Floor - to boot. Yet, after the first week, none of us skipped his classes. In fact, even if it was raining soooo hard that you could barely see five feet in front of you you'd see students of Dr. Sedmak's class trudging towards Bel just to attend his class.

Or where have you heard that a whole class - and this was also in Bel Hall - would plead to their professor to continue the class, even for that 10 minutes between the first and second bells? I've seen it, in Dax Manacsa's class.

Or what about students eager to do translations of Canon Law and Vatican II from its Church English to Filipino? Only in Doc Tejido's class...

Were these professors terrors? Hell, no! But what these professors do was to turn the seeming drudgery of studying into something not only worthwhile but fun. Somehow, these three and others besides, were able to return their late-teen or early-twenty students back to those days of wonder and curiosity, for the yearning to learn not for some grade or diploma but to know, to, well... learn.

Were my classmates "Grade-A" students? Hell, no! Some of them were even what you'd call slackers, or those who'd rather go to a gimmick, or play Magic: The Gathering than attend class. Yet they were there. In fact, Dr. Sedmak's class would hit at least one day when Ally McBeal would be showing, during the height of McBeal-madness... yet all the girls were there, present, and interacting.

Here's something a little mor personal: I took Math 11 - College Algebra - four times in college. I graduated from Manila Science High School and I know quantum mechanics. Yet I had to take Ma 11 four times. Indeed, back in high school, my consistent lowest rater was Math. Always been since that disastrous test in fractions back in Grade Six, the one that started my road out of the Top Ten.

Since then, I adopted the thinking that I wasn't just good in Math. But that's odd: everyone else in the family is good in Math; heck, my Mom is one of the best accountants alive. In my NCEE, my math aptitude scored higher than - wonder of wonders - abstract reasoning. And, yes, I could understand high-energy physics. I could do the equations from basic newtonian to basic particle physics. But I just couldn't hack math...

After the second try in Ma 11, I thought I should pass because I had to. Math was killing my QPI, the lone F in a field of Bs and As and an occassional C (heh, heh). Still, I didn't. It was only on that last try that I not only passed, but learned something and indeed got to like the subject.

Why? Because I wanted to learn Math. This was when I was introduced to the basics of my analytical protocols. I realized I couldn't advance anymore mentally until I learned at least basic algebra because one part of my mind was not keeping in pace with the rest. The important part, if I wanted to be a Mentat who needed to do calculations at hyper levels. I needed to learn math. I found a reason to need Math. Then, I started liking it. Suddenly, I found myself practically excited to find out the value of X... And soon, I was beginning to visualize N-dimensional fields...

So, therefore, my hypothesis: its a paradigm thing. Students have been conditioned, whether through their or other's fault, to view learning as drudgery, something that's a bother, and obstacle keeping them from fun. Most students, even as early as, say, grade I, already forget the wonder they once had as toddlers for all things that are new. The wonder of learning something for learning's sake. Its in a multiplicity of factors: the teachers for making schoolwork look and feel more like punishment or trials than at least a necessity to be taken seriously, if not as fun; parents, for imposing undue pressure, thus cultivating in the mind of the child that learning = pain and/or anything but fun; the media, whose archetypes suggest that even without learning you can get away with Life simply by being cool, charming, cute or whatever, just not learned. And a host of others, even the students themselves, for a wrong set of priorities or the wrong reasons for taking up a particular course in college. For the life of me, I cannot understand why International Politics majors are complaining and having difficulties in a reading for a Major; so what body of knowledge will they depend on when they're out there, if they view their theories and concepts, the intellectual foundation of their supposedly chosen craft, with utter disdain?

So, there. Problems with our educaton? Duh. If students don't consider studying as important, then why are you surprised about the performance level of the Filipino student in the 21st Century?

A Return to Writings

And so I find myself making a post; long-overdue, as Tin would like to remind me. Well, she does have a point, since she's made more posts than I have considering she's busier.

As an excuse, I will say, not for lack of trying. In fact, there should be several here already after the "Ruminations" entry, only problem was they came to me during office hours and I just... don't want to write it down when at work.

And now I'm stuck in the "what should I write?" dilemma. A lot and none at the same time. Since the last entry there has been both much and little that has happened in my life. I've noticed of course that I'm rather just... cruising along. I don't know. I guess its just one of those phases.

Well, what does one do after serving in the Philippine youth movement for some six years or so? When everything just seems so... irrelevant... where does one turn to? Do I forsake my decision late in college and return to my initial career path? Most certainly I think my resume is enough to get me back to the ad agencies, or maybe with one of the mags or dailies. Do I really mean what I said about becoming a barista? My best friend said I won't last long in any corporate setting because I crave being part of the action, of being on the front lines of trying to save this sorry Republic from itself.

Really?

Hmm. I hope that Boracay stratplan pushes through. Ok, I can settle for Puerto Galera. God knows I need that. I need to think, I need to reasses. I've realized I'm Oh-My-God 27 and I;ve begin questioning what I'm doing with my life. I guess part of the blame here should fall on my good, ol' friend from the Ateneo, Benjo. Its easy to dismiss certain concepts when it comes from "normal" channels, but when the input comes from someone you know comes from the same background - youth movement, Sanggu - and is as passionate for his advocacy as you are to yours... you really get to thinking. And maybe becuase when Benj decided to share how he's begun thinking about what he's doing with his life, I was thinking the same thing and there he was, giving voice to what I was trying soooo hard to not think about.

Because, my Mentat protocols may come to a conclusion I won't like. Heh, funny, that: the very skills and talents I've used in my six years of service to the Republic may end up giving me the push that sends me falling into retirement...

I've located my most recent diary, and some of the last entries were sometime after Reggie's marriage. True, I've stopped making my best friend the center of my existence long before she got married to someone who wasn't me (duh) but... maybe that's where it all started. I've been in a daze, trying to find meaning in it all. What am I fighting for? Why am I fighting for what the hell that is I'm fighting for? Does anyone even care I'm doing this?

Its... it's just that it is getting so hard to wake up every morning to find a reason to do so. Or at least to get up and go to the Party Headquarters. So hard to move when one is demoralized. So hard to care.

And have you seen what the government is doing for poor little Pilipinas? Ay, caramba.

My thoughts seem so disjointed. Indeed, there is a deeper history behind those words. Some are connected with national events, some are personal. In the following days, maybe I'll show you more, so it all becomes clear in the end.

Ruminations During a (Very) Rainy Day

Waking at 10:00 in the morning. On a Wednesday. Eversince I got these tetanus shots it seems I both (a) have no energy to last a usual 8-hour office day, and (b) I wake much, much later. Like this Wednesday - oops, Thursday already - this very rainy Wednesday. Waking to find the other house and the whole Metro for that matter in a flooded state is quite the way to start a morning.

Spent practically the whole day blowing up mecha in Square Enix' Front Mission 4. At least my tactical acumen's still there. Heh, didn't I just finish OSC's Ender's Shadow in two nights? All this warfare. Does it reflect the state of my Mind, my Soul?

Ewan ko ba.

So la Gloria admitted to there being a financial crisis. Then the peso plummets. Bullshit. Everyone's been talking about financial problems since before the elections. Hard to believe these corporations weren't expecting that. Like what Tin and I say, what GMA said was a "Duh" statement. Unless the intelligence-gathering arms of these corporations and investors are even worse than present-day CIA.

Ha,ha. Vultures. And the Third Estate has the gall to call for reforms in the First? Bullshit.

Hmm... I've never told the Piraeus or even the UCSC about this blog; among my colleagues, friends and shitteno, its only Tin, Charm and Blooey who are aware of this. And the Asgardians. Sige nga, let's see if anyone from the Piraeus or the Union knows about this:

Okay, I have to admit to being such a slacker. I'll even admit to abandoning my duties to this generation, as one of its analysts, its Mentat (see previos entry). But as I pull myself out of this muck of despair I'm in (thank God for Tin and Charm), I begin to remember some plans supposedly put in place at least after People Power II.

Simply put, the generation of young leaders and advocates that fought on the streets of the second People Power were supposed to play roles in what was supposedly a new dawn for the Philippines. Of course, the (damned) elders would do most of the work, at least for 10 or so years, but we would be playing a part.

Of course, even as we in K2 were licking our wounds at Henry Lee Irwin one week before People Power II - and you thought we planned the damned thing? You don't know what you're thinking - a certain thesis was already forming in my Mind. I guess it was a little... rebellious. But then, I am one of the analysts of this generation, my real forte being that ability to gather and synthesize information for use of the First Tier in their decision making and the Second Tier in its operations. If the data presented to me falls into a certain pattern, what else am I supposed to conclude?

So there I was, thinking that the damned elders had failed us and, because of their greed, selfishness and lack of understanding and morals and ethics, our future was most certainly doomed. Of course there's a financial crisis. Stupid. Of course nothing's being done. Stupid. Like a Mentat needs to come up with a Prime Computation to point out why?

Despair. How easy it is to fall into its bottomless pit. Wasn't it there that I was languishing since July? Finance, during their presentation to the LP early July, said that the first lashings of the financial crisis would be felt next year. It's not here... yet. So we have time to act on it? Oh, sure; just come up with two-figure billions every month, and, oh, by the way, we forsee balancing the budget in 2009.

The hell?

I wonder... the UCSC is already well into its 6th year. KALIPI just celebrated its 15th. AYLC is almost as old as the Union and has almost the same composition, since several of our most prominent leaders are AYLs. That's a lot of young leaders and advocates, all Trained and gifted and brilliant.

And that's just three organizations. Let's set aside the NDs for now. Set aside the paranoia regarding the Akbayan people and add them to the mix, especially Ma'am Risa's kids in Panadayan Youth, their contacts to the grassroots. UCSC to handle the academe and the Church, to provide the moral anchor and leadership it did during K2Y. KALIPI to provide the local, national and international political punch. AYLC to open up the doors of the corporations, particularly that big entity known as the Ayala Group of Companies...

And here I'm just drawing up part of the scenario, where all four orgs/networks begin tapping their natural "constituencies." Just these four, working together - add Bam's support as NYC Chair - can bring to bear a significant amount of skills, talents and - most importantly - dedication to doing something about the many problems facing the Philippines today.

If... if I give the Call, will they come?

What right do I have to summon the forces that once changed the course of history for this nation? Isn't that more Denni's or Bam's right as our generation's natural leaders?

My God, even the Piraeus is scattered, caught up in the lives we have led since graduating from Guardianship of the UCSC in 2001. Of the group, only Ben, Denni, Geng and I are still in non-corporate, NGO or NGO-type of work. And the first three are just soooo hard to find...

If I Call, will they come?

If anyone among the First Tier makes the Call, will they come? Will they descend from their glass-and-steel towers, rise from their mud-and-blood holes, and see that we have to do what we can, now, to save our future?

And there are the NDs... God damn them to the lowest pits of perdition. So much brilliance and fervor... but so misguided. All for the Revolution. All for their idea of democracy. For all their brilliance, their savvy, their exposure, can they not realize the sham they promote and perpetuate? When they take "revolutionary taxes," what excuse do they tell their Reason so as not to see that act as nothing more than pure extortion? At least this democracy we have can allow us to take our leaders to an accounting, one way or another. What of theirs? No, no, Mong, don't bother answering if you will just spout to me the same drivel. I have heard them before. For every one of your arguments I will simply mention words and simple phrases: the Soviet Union. Stalin. Mao's Great Leap Forward. Operation Missing Link and its cruel copies nationwide. You and your comrades will bring nothing but death and oppression to this country.

All my life, there came moments when I Asked God certain Questions. And always, in one way or another, He has Answered. Mostly to my liking, sometimes not, or at least it took me some time to realize why the Answer was what He gave.

So, my Lord God, what now? St. Ignatius taught us to give without counting the cost, to fight without heading the wounds, to toil and not seek for rest. So here I am, your Knight, ready despite all my Wounds, despite my Tired and batterd Soul, despite everything I think I have given in all the years of my service to You and Your people... but where do we go? What do we do? To whom do we turn to? Who will stand on the front lines?

And suddenly the rain pours hard after an hour of silence. And stops oh-so-suddenly.

*sigh* I'm getting too old for this.

Musings on An Attempted Retirement

*sigh*

Sometime last month, I was in the midst of seriously considering "retiring" from the "Movement." That's what I use as a catch-all term for civil society and the life of a "moderate" advocate trying to fix the problems of this country. Everything just... came to a head, I guess. Besides, it seemed the general trend. I'd already retired from active service with the Union of Catholic Student Councils (UCSC) the summer before, after our 11th Congress, after more than five years of serving that organization. Then, suddenly...

*sigh*

I guess everything was simpler back in college, even after our 11 schools founded the UCSC in 1998. We banded together, made the vehicle for expressing our desires and acting our counsels, and drew a line on the concrete with our blood. Looking back at those heady days, and even during the midst of juetengate and People Power II and the complexities of KOMPIL II Youth, at least you knew who your enemies are and what it is your fighting for. You believed in what you were fighting for and confident that that belief will never be rendered false.

Because its hard when you end up suddenly questioning your beliefs. When everything seems so much the sham. Don't get me wrong: the Jesuits, during our long Training in the Ateneo, removed our fear of Questioning; in fact, I believe that it was through the encouragement of the Jesuits to their students to ask - those "does God exist?" kind of questions in all their naked, philosophical glory - that my Faith, battered and bruised and abused at it is still manages to hold on. Sometimes I rant to God and even forget my prayers but I will strive to follow His Will anyway. But I guess there are times when something happens that, when you Ask that Question... the Answers you get are just not... digestable...

So there I was, having just fully reconciled the idealism of an Atenean bitten by the school's "bug" with the realities of political life in this country... and suddenly everything gets messed up so badly I can't recognize it anymore. It was like the wolfhound you've trusted as a friend and guardian got the rabies and transformed into a slavering, insane beast.

At the height of it all, I was saying that I could be a barista at Starbucks and love every minute of it until I f***ing die.

*sigh*

I guess Sen. Pangilian had it right: What would I answer the children of today when, in ten years' time when they've grown enough to... appreciate their world, it is as bad, or - horror of horrors - worse, than today? And MLQ3 had to write something on Nationalism, one that reminds you of things, reasons, why you choose to fight this fight in the first place, why you said no to 5-digit starting salaries and "predictable", comfortable evenings and fridays and weekends.

*sigh*

And the sands, the skies, the wind and the sound of the surf of Puerto Galera were already seeming so real in my mind, the first step to my oh-so-sure retirement. For then it would've been the first time I would go Somewhere and not think of what the hell is happening with my country. One thing I can say for this life, it can spoil a perfectly good Batanes sunset (imagine being at Batanes, for free, for five days... and having nothing on your mind but the fact that you have no signal, no internet, no reliable TV coverage, and what the hell is happening back in Manila on an election season?). So, yes, I was actually looking forward to retirement, to begin by a sojourn to beautiful Puerto Galera.

*sigh* I guess Puerto has to wait.

Make no mistake: I could still very well be overly disgusted by everything and just tell the Philippines to go f*** itself, tell God I'm very sorry for failing Him, and just hope the next generation of leaders, or whoever's left from mine, can make that difference because I sure as hell haven't and, with... this... I don't think I can.

But, until then... dammit, but I love this country. I love this people, uncouth, undisciplined, selfish and materialistic they can be at times. You fight not because of some Oath sworn to a Higher Being, not because some philosophical-ethical-ideological Bug bit you... but because you remember the look of despair in the eyes of the anawim, felt it at the core of your Being, and swore that you'd do everything in your power to see that that despair, that pain, that suffering is wiped out from their eyes forever. That your country, if only it can realize it, can not only make itself a better place, but perhaps show the whole world how it can be, too.

I'm Tired, to the Core of my Being... but, dammit, this Training made it so that, no matter the wounds or the fatigue, you'll still pick up your fallen sword and find a way to swing it.

So let me just get my breath back, and I'll help you guys take down that dragon.

What Love Can Do

Last friday, I was feeling really bad. I guess you could say it was one of those cases of taking one's body too far. That I could nearly kill myself for work that not only pays low, is largely unappreciated and you end up maligned for the slightest mistake is beyond me. But that's a story for another time. I will not darken my joy any further by dwelling on such nonesense.

But, well... I should still be bedridden yesterday (because it's Sunday now, Manila time, although I just came from Charm's birthday party). Muscle pain, especially of that variety, cannot be easily healed as muscles and joints that were badly abused need time to recover. And both my constitution and my healing ability have not been up to par for a very long time now.

So maybe that's why I was just so... toxic (to borrow a UP term) last Friday. Because there was something very important happening on Saturday: the surprise party for Charm's 18th birthday. What if my condition prevented me from getting to Charm's party? What if I can't even stand? With the slightest movement, my arms felt pain, and my legs were rather wobbly already when I went to sleep. Heck, I could barely keep awake, my sense of balance becoming unreliable by the minute. My whole system was collapsing before me. Yet all I could think of was... what would my Baby B say if I wasn't there?

I remember thinking before falling to sleep: isn't this what my Training was for? Aren't the healing abilities of a Knight capable of handling much worse damage than this? I could do this. I could manage to stand tomorrow. And even if I can't walk I will find a way to get to Charm's birthday.

Well, thank God I was able to stand and walk and function rather nominally. Nauseaous and I have a rather bothersome headache, plus a very strained patience, but I manage to get through the day in one piece. I was late getting to Charm's party - UCSC session lasted far longer than expected - but... well.

I remember this day... I forgot to text Charm after - silly and stupid me - but... I was having a really bad day then. I think I called my BB when it just got too much. All I remember was walking with a smile on my face after that phonecall. I've never done that in a long while.

But, see: that's what Charm does, why she means so much to me. So much, that I was able to force my body to heal itself enough to make it through to her. I think I'm going to get bio-psionic karma from forcing it, but... what the hell, right? It was for Charm, for my BB, the one person right now who is a Keeper of one of the Keys to my Soul. The person who, without the slightest bit of hesitation, offered me her wings so I can fly again. I told her I am not worthy of such beauty, her Soul's wings of silver light, but she just smiled, then gave me a faux-pout for being so pigheaded, and gave them to me anyway.

I also remember this "discussion" she and I had over cookies. She said something about giving up her last cookie for me (it was a Cookie Monster text, I think), and I said something about my not daring to eat it and having it kept in storage, or maybe even framed. Charm answered that maybe I should just give the cookie away than seeing it crumble through time. "You have me by your side, anyway," Charm added, "your own personal angel to take care of you."

There was a time, after the UCSC's 10th Congress, that I felt really down. Starting from the trip back to Manila, until some months later. My depression only started subsiding after Charm and I started becoming close. I had given up on my Soul by then, but Charm insisted on finding it.

Not only did she find it... she made it fly again.

Nothing would have prevented me from being with my BB on that very special day. Not the Party (and, God's Sacred Light, most definitely not the Party), not the Republic... and certainly not some stupid condition.