Once More, with Feeling

*sigh*

Okay, first off, this is what I get for doing the ostrich bit. In one very real sense, it is infinitely nicer to jump into Junon and go hunt Aqua King along with the rest of the pROSE population than give a damn about what these stupid polticians are doing to the country. Besides, I think I'm more of a use there than in RL, since other players thank my Escort for healing them and keeping them from losing 3% of their experience points.

Anyway, enough off-topic peregrinations. As I said, this Tuesday seems to be the opening act for the nth escalation of the Gloriagate. If I was still acting as the Mentat for my generation (and not, as mentioned above, going adok over pROSE), then perhaps I would have noticed that there was a political angle to one of the most... confusing "holidays" I've ever seen. "Semi-holiday," as other pundits described it.

Sometime today, Ma'am Dinky, along with Sec. Butch Abad and some of the "Hyatt 10" members (Hyatt TEN, okay, Sec. Bunye?) alleged that the Palace, specifically through Gabby Claudio with orders from La Gloria herself, ordered the filing of the Lozano complaint. This is a serious charge. A lot of people, whether in pol-ops or not, CivSoc or general public, believe that Atty. Oliver Lozano filed the first of the impeachment charges as a ploy from Malacañang to torpedo the whole impeachment. One, it can prevent the passage of other charges because the '87 Consti was clear on there being only ONE complaint, per year. If in case some technicality allows the passage of others, like the Amended Lozano, then the thinking was the Lozano complaint could act as fallback for the anti-impeachment people to either strike the complaint on the Committee level for lack of sufficiency in substance, or it'd be a weak case vs. the President if in case it ascends to a now-seemingly hostile Senate.

There have been rumors going around political and CivSoc circles that the House Committee on Justice will "kill" the impeachment today. In fact, we've just heard that LP stalwart Tony Roman of Bataan will vote "abstain," and this is one of the "hardcore" pro-impeachment reps of the LP. Rep. Vargas resigned yesterday from the Party, officially because he was anti-impeachment (being pro-status quo) and as an objection to the pressure being exerted by the pro-resign Liberals for Party congressmen to sign the impeachment. We've heard that the Palace is using a carrot-and-stick approach to keep congressmen from signing the complaint.

What are the implications of what's happening - and probably will happen - this week? People have been talking about, and looking for, Gloriagate's "Second Envelope." This is, of course, in reference to the legendary trigger event that launched People Power II last 2001. God knows the anti-Gloria groups have tried so hard: the setting-up of Bunye with the first release of the Gloriagate tapes; the coming-out of Samuel Ong; the rallies after the fallout stemming from the President's apology; July 8. That's at least four major assaults on a supposedly unpopular president and she's still there. And as Jove Francisco reported in his blog, the President and her men are still largely, kampante, confident.

Is the killing of the impeachment Gloriagate's "Second Envelope?" Two Sundays ago, the former KOMPIL II groups gathered at DLSU-GH to convene the "Black and White Movement." I was supposed to go but my body thought it was much nicer to oversleep on a Sunday and I woke at past 2:oo p.m. I don't know what happened there, and, more importantly, how the gathered Moderates went about the whole gathering. In such crisis situations, the mood of the people involved is a much better gauge on where the body will go than whatever slogans are chanted or manifestos released. When we held the All-Leaders Conference in January 2001, the mood was rather dark, and some of us in the youth contingent were going for each other's throats during debates because of the sense of impending defeat. In fact, the discussions ended on the option for civil disobedience.

One week later, though, the "Second Envelope" happened and PP2 was well on its way...

Nnnnoooo, we didn't plan that. Well, we were hoping for one, since October 2000, but... Well. C'est la guerre, I guess.

So. Do we have an escalation? Still monitoring. In my opinion, the impeachment is dead outside of an Act of God (like last time?). The oust-GMA movement may be, too. The mood of the general public is... different. What about the surveys, you say? Well, what about them? Although I have an appreciation for such tools of research, I am still skeptical about the claim that what a thousand people say is truly reflective of the moods and thoughts of 80+ million people. And as Heisenberg implied in his celebrated Uncertainty Principle, the mere act of observing the subject of study changes the natural state of that subject. A person who probably wouldn't care less about Gloria on a usual day would probably tell you how horrible he/she thinks the prez is when you ask that person. It's like with Values Ed class: everyone will say smoking, boozing, cheating and pre-marital sex is bad, yet will not think twice about doing the abovenmentioned in the first possible instance.

Again, I am not pro-Gloria; I think she has messed up royally. I am also pro-impeachment and would love to see the proceedings happen again.

But, the rules of this war seemed to be so vastly different from the one we fought so ardently four years ago...

*sigh*

Pleasantly Surprised

Sometime ago, I made a post about being "pleasantly surprised" by Pope Benedict XVI. It stemmed from the many - and sometimes acrimonous - discussions and debates about the latest successor to the Throne of Peter and the man who had the ill luck to be chosen head of the Roman Catholic Church after the much-loved John Paul II.

My point in that post was that we were prejudging the man; at that point, what did we Catholics really knew about (the then) Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger? That he was the Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith, the body tasked by the heirarchy of the Church to... maintain the sanctity of its beliefs. To some, we know that it's the modern-day version of the once-feared Inquisition. To "liberal" Catholics, Cardinal Ratzinger was the figurehead for the orthodoxy that is choking the faith, which also prevents the Mother Church from both being responsive to the needs of its members and relevant to their lives. Especially to the young of the Church.

But, sometime after seeing the newly-elected Pope Benedict XVI give his "urbi et orbi,' I somehow softened, at least, my stance on him. Considering that I am a self-confessed liberal Catholic, I should'v bemoaned his ascension to the Papacy. Instead, I was defending the man, especially in light of the horrible tirades the British press gave. I said that Pope Benedict XVI, instead of being the cause for consternation of us Catholics, just might "pleasantly suprise" us. And what better way to find out than at the 20th World Youth Day in Cologne, Germany.

From what I heard, I was right. Far from being "God's rottweiler," Pope Benedict XVI came across as a lovable, gentle and inspiring figure. During lunch with a dozen young delegates, one of those in attendance even said that she wanted to give the 78-year old pontiff a hug "because he looked like a teddy bear!" Imagine, comparing the Pope, the most powerful religious figure of our time, to a plush toy. But somehow... it was apt. And it brought a smile to one's lips because, of all the imagery one would expect of the new Pope, a teddy bear was the last thing you'd think of.

Yet this says something of the man, of the impression he made to the future of Catholic Christianity. I've always said that we young people, especially the young of the Catholic Church, are not rebels because of some mistaken Western belief that this was de rigeur for young people, but because we're searching for answers and the world of our parents seemed to murky for our liking. We see too clearly, we who grew up on the celfone and internet. We see our elders keep trying to stuff into us values and beliefs that they themselves do not follow. How would you feel if you get so confused at what exactly is right or wrong? Thus the youth rebel; we refuse the sordid, broken and vicious world of our elders, they who wrecked so much of the future that will be our present. But amidst this darkness the young search for the light, for a sure path amidst the pothole-filled roads of our forebears.

That, I believe, is what Benedict XVI is offering to the Christians of tomorrow: not just hope, but the stability of values and ideals that is the bedrock of Catholicism. Does this mean we "liberals" have to sacrifice many of those beliefs we treasure? I don't think so. If I understood his messages clearly, that won't be the case. It's just a... reorientation. A re-centering of our lives and paths to Christ.

In his opening message for WYD '05, Pope Benedict XVI said, "Dear young people, the happiness you are seeking, the happiness you have a right to enjoy has a name and a face: It is Jesus of Nazareth, hidden in the Eucharist. Only he gives the fullness of life to humanity! With Mary, say your own "yes" to God, for he wishes to give himself to you. I repeat today what I said at the beginning of my pontificate: "If we let Christ into our lives, we lose nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing of what makes life free, beautiful and great. No! Only in this friendship are the doors of life opened wide. Only in this friendship is the great potential of human existence truly revealed. Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation" (Homily at the Mass of Inauguration, April 24). Be completely convinced of this: Christ takes from you nothing that is beautiful and great, but brings everything to perfection for the glory of God, the happiness of men and women, and the salvation of the world."

Many times - and these days it's more often than not - I hate being right, but only because it is in the context of my work as a Mentat, and analyst. I sometimes complain that it seemed as if the things I see as most likely happening that do come true are the bad ones.

But this time, I'm glad I was right.

An Escaflowne Situation

Well, maybe not really, but it's probably a lot closer to one than I would deem comfortable.

(This from someone who got a 36% hit rate in a Zener test...)

To those not familiar with anime, Escaflowne is a steampunk-and-fantasy mecha series. One of its central characters, Hitomi, has the power to predict the future - among other things - especially when she does a tarot reading. Of course, Esca is also, in my opinion, a very good example of quantum mechanics at work (watch until the near-to-the-end episodes to get what I mean), but for purposes of this post, the tarot readings in the series will be the starting point of my discussion.

And, oh, yes, I just came back from Davao City last Friday. Wonderful place; it's not my Manila, but it was wonderful, nonetheless. Maybe more on that later.

Before we left for KALIPI's Mindanao Congress Monday last week, I went into a frenzy of searching for programs and other files to download to my recently-crashed palmtop. I thought that, since it just got memory-wiped and I was going to the field again, I might as well "stock up" on neat stuff. Besides, my BB asked for games to be installed once again in my "geekisized" Handspring Visor. So there I was on a Monday evening, surfing Download.com and looking for programs to install when I came across a program for Zen tarot.

"Zen tarot? And it's in the games section? What the..." But with my curiosity piqued, I decided to include it in the packet I was compiling for installation. Heck, I've always wanted to have my own genuine tarot deck (it's right up there in my wishlist's Top Five), so why not try the electronic version for now? When the program opened, I opted to leap straight in and was presented with a screenful of blank rectangles, which I presumed to be the back of the "cards."

Part of me was very skeptical at this point. Understand that I (believe I'm) psionic. My parents got some sort of training when they were younger and the potential seems to be there when I look at the things I and my siblings have done throughout our lives. I also did some studies on the matter during my time in the Ateneo (and I think Fr. Bulatao couldn't see my aura... clouded, he said...), and scored rather well in the Four Aces test for clairvoyance. I used to frequent the websites of the Koestler Parapsychology Unit of Edinburgh University, the Consciousness Research Labrotary, the old Stanford Research Institute, and found some readings and proceedings of Project Stargate. Heck, I'm from Ateneo's Communications Department, where Spirit Questor mentor Tony Perez is headquartered and where a "nexus" of sorts supposedly exists in the righthand wall of the film room. I may not agree with some of what the Questors do, but I never questioned the reality of what they face.

Besides, mysticism aside, tarot readings can be used as a method of introspection and self-inquiry. Sometimes we really are afraid to face certain things about ourselves. I'm one proof of this: I've been aware of some things hounding my mind for some time now, but I refuse to confront them.

So I began to randomly pick the required number of cards for a Celtic Cross reading. Heck, I didn't even frame a question. I just tapped my stylus here and there, and, oh, here looks fine enough... there we go... last one...

Until now, I haven't wiped the reading from the palmtop's memory. I guess the results truly disturbed me... because they seem so apt.

For the last few weeks, if not months, I've been quite... disturbed (there's that word again)... about the things happening in my life (see my "cascade" posts). It comes from quite truly having a world you've known for a long time, and a life you've accepted you'd be living, oh-so-suddenly seemingly come under threat of utter dissolution. On that morning when Bobby Guevarra did that fateful de Mello reading in LibTheo class, my lifepath was (again) changed when I decided to be true to the promise I made to God when I was nine to serve Him. Not as a priest, no (Light's sake, do you want a scandal?), but in whatever capacity a person who said no to the utmost of Calls can still do.

That was 1998. Seven years later, and I suddenly find my life without direction, and therefore for the first time in my life - even in that time from 1994 - 1996 where we lost everything - I realized I didn't know what future I was facing. Even worse, the foundations of my life were being eroded, if not utterly annihilated by the events that seem to coincide with Gloriagate. It was as if my personal life decided to further complicate matters - as if they weren't complicated enough! - by putting the losses I've suffered within the context of this latest of national crises.

It all seemed so... clear... then. Eleven of the student councils of the Catholic schools gathered at Ateneo's ISO to create an organization that was their own, as a message to the ND-dominated NUSP and its ilk that we were taking our schools' destinies in our own hands, and to the Republic at large that the Catholic schools would be engaging more actively with the concerns of our constituency, sector and the nation but on our own terms. Back then, it seemed that when I asked God, "so where do You need me?", He gave an answer that was immediate, complete and, as I would eventually learn, to my liking. So much so that when the UCSC's current generation began to kind of... ostracize me (heck, even my own premier protege did so one time...), it felt really bad.

Understand that I will be the first to defend the Union's right to non-interference, even from its Alumni; I was the one who asked Roben Savares, then the Chairperson of the CORE, to remove any voting rights for the Alumni representative to the CORE, and insisted that we Alumni and members of the Board of Advisors should attend meetings only "upon request" by any of the officers or members of the Union.

But, still... (sigh)

And then I heard that after the... disaster at the Palace, when GMA's handlers pulled a fast one on the UCSC to make it look like we were supporting her, there were calls for its disbandment, for schools to pull out, and even questions about what exactly were the schools getting out of it. I guess the tipping point for me here is when one even voiced that NUSP was better. NUSP! That training ground for idealogues of the communist movement?! I think I was never insulted in all my years of service to the Union, for someone in the UCSC to say NUSP was better in terms of giving back to the schools, in "doing something," and in being democratic.

And there's the Party. During the start of my service with the LP, I was skeptical. But that was understandable, considering where I came from. Eventhough I never mouthed the slogans of the Left, I was still a part of the new students' movement that rose in the late-90's, the ones who eventually became the "field officers" for civil society in the Erap RIO. To me in 2000, the term "good politics" was as oxymoronic as "democracy in a communist system."

But because I was primed by my upbringing and Jesuit education to appreciate systems, and abstractions, the more I engaged in the promotion of the liberal democratic ideology and the Party that espoused it I realized that (a) I was a libdem even before I heard of the term, and (b) what better way to bring about change than for the "good guys" to take hold of the reins of power and guide the Philippines to a Bright Tomorrow? I had been with CivSoc and understood the inherent weakness in it, despite the the power, reach and capability of the "Fifth Estate." I knew of the corruption of the Fourth Estate, and its being a slave to the almighty Bottom Line as much as the Third was (entites like PCIJ being the exception). I believed in the LP, its ideals, its principles and vision. This was where I wanted to be. I thus found the third of the important defining terms for my soul: Catholic, Atenean and now a Liberal.

But now...

I still believe in the Liberal Party. I still think that, especially with Roco's death and the obvious track of the revived Nacionalistas, we're the best chance to reform the political culture. If the Philippines is to get out of the rut it has been in since the Americans stole our independence in 1898 and get moving, then change must come from all sides. And there have been signs of that in all the other sphers of Philippine society, but in the political sphere we Liberals are supposed to be it. If no reform happens here, the Philippines would just be like a wounded person who didn't get fully treated; there's a big chance that wound you left out will get infected and endanger the whole person again.

It's just... hard. I feel the cold claws of apathy clench around my heart. It seems that everyday it gets so hard to care, to find the fire inside that makes you Move, that makes you Act. I keep thinking, I'm going to be thirty in less than three years and nothing I've done in the last seven have made a difference so maybe it's time I looked after my self now? Because no one else seems to care for me anyomre. Not the org I built, the Party I served, nor the people who I stood by whether as comrade, colleague, friend or lover.

There are times I feel even God has abandoned me, a failed experiment, a failed Knight. I don't feel the surety of His hand in my life anymore, like when he brought me to the Ateneo, to the NYC, to the Union, to the LP. Have I lost so many of the battles He has asked me to fight that I think He may be asking me to go to the rear of the front and let others do the fighting? If I'm not being asked already to resign my commission as one of His Knights and become a "civilian."

For that was what I saw in the tarot cards: a slowing down. Although the cards put it in a positive light - a time to introspect, to take stock, that I should be appreciative of this moment given me by God to look, to study, to see where my life is going - I still feel... bad. Sad. Horrible. Confused. Eversince that first day that I met the other schools in the 1st UCSC Congress, I felt that this was my life. I threw away any chance at a financially- and personally-fulfilling career with the corporations when I took this path. Not becuase I hated the rigid structures of corporate life - hello, I grew up in a corporate family - but because... this seemed right. Because it felt as if I was doing something with my life, helping other people. Because I remember how I felt the last time I looked into the eyes of the anawim, how much revolted and angry I felt that people lived in such conditions, that their souls lost so much of their dignity and beauty and that I wanted so much to do something for them. No, alms, the crumbs of a rich table, aren't enough for me to give: they must share the table with me, otherwise it would be unjust!

Yet, yet...

One of the primary precepts of Precogntion, the first in fact, is that we who see the future do not see an absolute; rather, we see the most potentially real of the varied futures, given the current circumstances (Heisenberg's fault, I guess, as much as it was Einstein's for the lightspeed limit).

The Jesuits taught us that there is a profound Paradox in Commitment: it sets you free. Because you have dedicated yourself to something (or someone) the future is no more a state of confusion or arbitrariness because you now have a solid foundation for decision and Action, freeing one from the state of indecision and from being tossed to and fro by chance and chaos.

My future is the cloudiest it has been in all my 27 years. The foundations of my commitment are breaking down or are being taken from me.

And now the cards tell me something I have long been denying.

So what do I do now?

After the Cascade

And it was a cascade for me in more ways than one...

For the benefit of people asking me about my take on recent events, especially in the light of yesterday's massive (relatively speaking) rally at Makati, I'm posting that part of my email to the Piraeus Group on the latest developments of Gloriagate.

Another thing, before I paste the excerpt: there is a trick in making a rally look bigger on cam. Remember those aerial photos of the rally? It looks like a lot of people were there, right? Although admittedly 30k is a lot of people, it looks bigger shot that way because the "pinpricks" and "dots" that represent the heads of people blend in a mish-mash kind of way with the gray ferrocrete of the street. So it looks jam-packed.

Also, a camera, even one with a wide-angle lens, can only capture so much of a scene. If you take a shot of the central activity area - say, near the Aquino monument - at a certain angle, then it really looks big even with that ground-level shot. But if you pan the cam around, you'll see that the crowds don't go farther than a few hundred meters from the center of the activity.

Now, for the excerpt:

To those of you asking what will happen to the country... my initial read is that, because of what happened in "The Longest Friday" (or "Presscon Friday", as I call it), GMA stands to stay in power at least until the SONA. If we go the impeachment route - which seems highly probable right now - then... 2 months? If she'll get kicked out, it'll probably be early next year or late this year. If this reaches December, then the Oust-GMA movement will be dead at least until the middle of January 2006, and by then many of the politicians would be thinking of May 2007.

Ah. Oh. Oh shit. That's right...

God help me and for once I wish I can be wrong with this... but I think the Oust-GMA groups will try at least one more escalation and cascade situation like with TLF. They have to. Oh my God...

1. If this reaches September, how can you mob any students from the moderate schools? Finals is near.

2. If this reaches December, or even November, the natural calming effect of yuletide on Filipinos will most likely dampen enthusiasm for the protests as much as it did - or even more so - when we did the RIO back in 2000. C'mon, people, we were there, remember? We all know what December did to the RIO.

3. If somehow GMA reaches January 2006... all I see there is either (a) lack of interest as many politicians begin gearing up for the 2007 elections, or (b) fatigue will set in. Revolts and protests on the magnitude of a near-EDSA cannot be sustained overtime in the same way you can't stay angry for a truly long period of time.

So I think the opposition will once again escalate the situation to cascade it like with the TLF. But... that's a dangerous gambit because they've thrown so much against GMA and she's still there! Like someone I admire a lot said last night, this whole "Gloriagate" thing will make a fascinating thesis. I mean, a very unpopular president has managed to hold on to power despite (at least!) three very major cascade situations... amazing... And the last one was throwing everything (and everyone) including the kitchen sink and all the stinky bits at the bottom of the drain. Yet the little lady is still there... how fascinating...

I don't know what the Oust-GMA side will do for another escalation-cascade manuever. Many of the key ingredients were used up last July 8 with little effect except to further damage the economy and give the pro-GMA people a means to circle the wagons and dig in. In military strategy, the one on defense always has the advantage in a war of attrition, even if outgunned and outnumbered. And right now it's fast becoming a war of attrition, with advantage back to Gloria - who's on defense - after TLF fizzled and the CBCP gave out its statement.

But they (the anti-Gloria forces) have to. Because time isn't with them. Aside from the socio-cultural and political angle, there's also the economic. Eventually, the protests will take a toll on the economy that those people asking her to step down will begin looking like economic saboteurs. I'm not kidding: let's say you see that the forex rate is, say, 60:1, then you see the rallyists at Makati / Mendiola / Wherever, what would you think? Especially if you keep hearing the news as, "the political instability is bringing the economy down..." All GMA has to spin it is by saying, hey, I'm trying to do my job here but these (censored) want to be in power and they're doing all these rallies and down-with-gov't acts for that and making the economy go down. She doesn't even have to refute any statements from thereon. When the economy goes really down and people are still shouting "Gloria out" without more solid proof than what's come out now... the protest is dead.

So expect an escalation once again in the next few days

Not Exactly (Another) Gloriagate Post

Well, yes, I was thinking about doing one. I mean, it's the hottest topic of the day, and I'm supposed to be a Mentat. Like what Thufir said, you can't stop analyzing your data.

Unless, some part of you decides to... take a leave of absence...

Ha, ha, I'm actually irritated at the anti-Gloria forces not exactly out of a sense of indignation over the mess they made of the economy, but because they screwed up my routine. Since when did I complain that I really can't take my frap anymore?

And why is it soo much better to jusy play R.O.S.E (oh, yes, it rocks big time...) and DW4: Empires than listen to another bit of news on this damnable Gloriagate?

Since when did I become so...

Ha, ha, as if I don't know the answer to that.

And maybe because my systems are beginning to realize that we are, indeed, in the "lemmings" scenario. How hilarious that Gloria fell for it, admitting over nationwide media that, yesh, it wash mai voiice in the tapesh. How stupid can the Palace pol and media ops can be? Now it's escalated and all these leaders are taking the "moral high ground" by asking her to resign.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fucking Lemmings...

It's soooooo... no, not stupid. All those "middle forces" that have called for her resignation on moral grounds, or because, regardless of guilt, she has lost her mandate to govern, do have a point. If you had stood on EDSA during People Power II, how can you condone what the President did?

But, but...

I wish... I wish they'd thought on it some more. Go past the surface issue of morality, legality and propriety. Look at the dynamics and background of the forces moving and contending the Gloriagate. Ask the questions many wouldn't want to hear: yes, yes, morality and all is dandy, but, children, why now? Why was it just revealed? Why is the opposition so hot to get people on the streets when they can use constitutional measures to take her down? Where are the people who actually did the operation? Surely, if it was ISAFP, and with a divided military, someone should have "rescued" these men if they were incarcerated?

There are so many questions... yet so many of those who've come out for Gloria's resignation have not looked past the morality and propriety issue. This is a little bit off tangent as an analogy, but it's like talking peace with a warmonger: do you honestly expect the other side to smile and shake your hand and leave you in peace? People tend to judge other people through their own values and perceptions, but he/she isn't you. It's like the sacking of Baghdad. The Caliph surrendered after a lengthy siege, hoping to at least have his people and the rich culture in the center of the Muslim world spared the ravages of war and plunder. Unfrotunately for the Caliph, he was suing peace from the Mongol Horde. Check your history books to find out how gruesome it was after they hacked the Caliph and his party to pieces right in front of the gates of Baghdad.

Has anyone really asked themselves why the other side(s) are acting the way they are, even if the call is the same? Do they honestly think that

You see, I've gone beyond the "surface" issues beacuse what we have here is a classic struggle for a country's future. We're talking endgame scenarios, of what will happen if Force A gets their wish, or if Force B does this and that. You skip the surface issues because you know all the sides in this war except maybe for yours plays a very, very dirty game and they don't think in terms of what's good for the people or not. The Opposition wants to be back in power through extra-consti means because they know they will never regain it evermore. The Left see in this a wonderful opportunity to inch closer to their goal. The military thinks that this time may be it, after soo many failed coups.

Gloria has failed us big time, that's not under debate. We all know that. But this isn't the RIO. This is post-PP2, where sociocivic fatigue has set in and the world is much, much darker than when the '90s came along. Back then, there were choices.

Now, what are your choices? Do you even have any?

Honestly, has anyone even considered what will happen in a post-Gloria scenario?

Here's one, for the "Phyrric Constitutional Victory" scenario: Gloria resigns, or is forced to, or gets impeached. Let's say Loren's dispute of the elections fizzles, so Noli really is the Prez now. Let's disregard who he chooses as VP.

Ask yourselves: will the Opposition and the Left settle for this? People, they want a junta because there is no other way for them to sieze power.

Noli will be subjected to intense pressure. Maybe he has a chance, if he chooses a Liberal as his VP because the LP has the network, the resources and the people to back him up. How about the Nacionalista's? Maybe a Villar VP-ship will see the NP grow in numbers again, but can you trust political turncoats? And can Villar not take advantage of all that political windfall? But these are turncoats and trapos; when the pressure gets too intense, they'll leave Noli hanging in the breeze.

So who does he turn to? ABS? Maybe, whether or not he disassociates himself from the media giant. So now you can hit him with allegations of Ch. 2 being the puppetmaster this time, and isn't it the Lopezes who own both Ch. 2 and Meralco?

Let's say GMA resigns in... five weeks. Let's give her until August. September she's out, Noli steps in.

In less than six months, he's also going out...

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Why am I so damned pessimistic? Why do I dream of holding the line, alone, for the Union as our forces flee from a surging mass of anti-Gloria / pro-Erap / Radical Left tidal wave?

Why do I soooo much want to...

*sigh*

Does Rock Ed have any activity soon? I need to do something positive and immediate-feedback, because all this is starting to get to me.

And I'm depressed already...

*sigh*

Hope, and the Multiplication of It

No, this is not a Gloriagate post. Believe me, I've tried several times to do some along those lines shortly after it burst into the scene - and, really, there are times I wish I was wrong when the precog is a bad one - but time and circumstance have prevented me from doing so. You should see the drafts...

Instead, I'd like to talk about a little something I went to Friday evening (it being 3 in the morning of Saturday, 2 July 2005, when I write this). Besides, you want more on Gloriagate, go to PCIJ's blog.

When this person who came by the rather unique nickname of Gang presented Rock Ed Philippines during the June 2005 CORE Session of the UCSC, a lot of thoughts came to my mind, some of them rather not good. I guess I was thinking like some so-called "veteran" of the last four years of intense political warfare and dozens of failed attempts at social engineering: you've seen it all, come through it all, and what have you got to show for it? Another political battle. You've stared into the abyss so long that you think it's beginning to wave back and call you friend...

But my curiosity was piqued. Rock Ed. The concepts behind it - alternative education to bring about upliftment - sounded familiar, maybe all too familiar, and you wonder what could be new here. We stood on EDSA in 2001, dammit. We went through the bloody PUNK and the 2002 NAPC Youth Summit. We defended Davide, remember? And am I not UCSC? Did we not coordinate the (supposed) forces of change as the Coordinating Council of KOMPIL II Youth? What was Youth Alliance, then?

But go I did. And glad I was that I did.

Maybe it was the sheer... audacity of it. As Jaime Garchitorena put it, we were as... eclectic a bunch as you can find, coming from such diverse fields and backgrounds. Many NGOs and alternative educators there - the publishers of Adarna were there, alongside the marketing manager of MTV - but there were artists, theater actors, managers and the occassional lawyer and law student. Heck, we weren't even one-tenth of the forces my groups mobilized in the last four years since the RIO. These weren't the experienced field operatives and commanders of civil society and the student councils.

Yet somehow... it felt good. Maybe even much better than when Danny Javier announced the one millionth soul on EDSA that fateful January in 2001 when you thought a new dawn was breaking on the Philippines. I think I've been too long in the trenches of this War that I've forgotten how it is to be with, as the saying goes, "like minded individuals" that could still... dream and act on that dream. Yes, perhaps that's what's missing; I've contemplated for so long whether I should abandon the War and let it all go hang because... because the realities of life in the front lines of the Movement eventually does takes its toll on you, on the spirit. You get so beaten up badly trying to hold that line you drew on the concrete with your blood that you can't lift your swollen eyes anymore. And in the last few years it has felt like such a lonely battle, what with the Piraeus scattered, the Union (until this new batch came along) rendered moribund, and the LP becoming more like... government...

The energy in the room was palpable. For the life of me I cannot remember the last time I've seen so much... hope, so much enthusiasm in a room full of young adults who were thinking of ways to do the hardest job of all: end poverty. Nationwide. In our lifetimes. Good Lord and a half, but do these guys have any idea of the sheer... scope of their - OUR! - goal? Do they know that we've been at the status quo with everything plus the kitchen sink yet it not only stood firm but co-opted so many of us into its staid and decayed structure?

Probably. Those weren't naive people there, despite their lineage and economic status. But, but...

... there are plans to buy a flatbed truck, paint it all over, turn it into a makeshift stage, and let it go around the country teaching kids in plazas and eskinitas about issues and values...

... Glaxo has agreed to counterpart-fund a vaccination drive, and Batanes is first on the list January 2006...

... how about wrapping three buildings in Makati with white ribbon - the symbol of the Global Action Against Poverty - including, as Jaime added to the idea, Oakwood, to transform it from a symbol of rebellion into one of hope...

... or how about flooding Malacañang with postcards that ask the President to make good her promise to deal with povery...

Personally, I like the roving school idea best, and I'm wracking my brain as to where we can find funding and non-monetary support for it. But the other ideas, some of them even seeming so simple as compared to those bloody "big" projects of ours in the last four years - ah, yes, the PUNK... there are nights I still wonder whether it made a difference or was I just a party to wasting more than P2 million? - yet their probable effects...

And the people themselves... you'd think that everybody has degenerated into versions of the crass politico or me-first entities that either leave the country to earn more or stay here yet waste all their talent in call centers (and, again, let me make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against call centers; they have made the lives of many ordinary young men and women better without the social cost of overseas employment. But to hear so many in my circle who so easily went that way... or went corporate... *sigh*). It was just... great to hear other people ask the questions you've been asking for so long, or think and feel the same way about issues like irresponsible wastage disposal or road values.

And - heh, heh - being with the Rock Ed people made me realize just what kind of creature five years of political work has done to me. I actually wanted to stand up and ask for proposals and concept papers of these projects to be given to me so I can show them to funders... It's a good I've gotten a hold of my leap-before-looking mentality, or I would've probably embarassed myself... I was actually compartmentalizing my new group's dreams in the black and white of bureaucracy, and somehow that felt rather... wrong... Oh, sure, there will probably be a time when we have to do that, show a potential donor a proj prop, but... not now...

I don't know where this will lead; I am still a creature of the World I have lived in and fought (and nearly died so many times) for since the founding of the UCSC in 1998, after all. I did not get my position of Strategic Director because of any other reason save that of my skill as an analyst and gatherer of information. So I can't help but wonder about all these plans when they start coming up against that wall called the status quo. But that's the tired, overly-cynical, and near-hopeless person who's become a casualty of the very forces he tried to harness for the Bright Tomorrow.

But... just how did revolutions start, anyway? With a few men and women who believed in a certain ideal and were willing to fight for their cause. How did the Berlin Wall - and communism - fall? When so many people pushed that no guns or tanks of a repressive regime could cower.

Perhaps that really is what appealed to me: the people. Not too many, yes, not the battalions that we gathered on EDSA... but dedicated all to the ideal of ending poverty, in whatever form it may be from what I can gather from the conversations. And that's what's important: knowing that when you light a candle in the dark, you're not alone. Because so many people lighting their own little candle can banish the darkest of nights... and that wall isn't so big and tough if more than one person is pushing to bring it down...

Absurdity, Chaos, and the State of the Philippines Today

For, truly, is it not absurd?

Perhaps there is a truth in the analysis that, given the weakness of our fundamentals - economic, social, political - as well as the length, breadth and scope of the corruption of the system - again, economic, social, political and add to that cultural and religious - the Philippines is, to coin a phrase, in deep shit.

The thing is, is it, truly, as deep as either our so-called specialists and - eternally damn them to hell and the creatures that spawned them - the opposition paint it to be?

How much, truly, of the current mess is because Gloria screwed up bad - and, make no mistake, she did, has and still is, wonder of wonders for someone supposedly so brilliant - or simply because some certain of our good citizenry painted it so much worse?

Is there, truly, chaos? Are we as much on the brink as so many voices say these days, or are those same voices pushing us all to that edge?

It is so absurd: Filipinos are inherently hardy, but we all saw - twice! No, in fairness to Jerome, thrice! - what happens when hardship becomes too much. The Filipino's back doesn't get broken by the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel's back... we kick back at the oppressor. Hard. Where it hurts. Enough to bring our oppressor down.

So why are they not kicking back? Oh, c'mon: socio-civic fatigue? Give me a break. Does anyone, anyone, actually believe that, given all the shit the Filipino has gone through, that they'd just either bear with all this crap because there are no percieved options?

Just how much can our so-called "analysts" insult this great people?

Of course, it can't be denied that Gloria has made such a royal mess of everything. I can't think of what she or her surprisingly stupid handlers and advisers have not done wrong. I may not agree with a lot of what Lito Banayo says, but his description of Gloria and her troupe seems right on the money: punch drunk.

Or is this all one massive maskirovka? The little lady making it look like she's all vulnerable so her equally (or more so) stupid opponents would stick their heads out, literally volunteering to have them severed by the headman's axe...

I read the papers everyday. At least three of them. Because its my job. And aside from those columns written by priests, or those by socio-cultural and historical writers, everything seems to be about doomsday is coming. I don't have to read de Quiros' often seditious writing, or those obviously seditious ones in the Tribune to see all that.... negativity....

One of the things you aren't taught outright in Communications is the way anyone who knows information flows and processing within a society can manipulate that flow for a desired outcome. But its there. It is in the core of every theory and principle of communications, advertising, journalism and public relations. The Sender-Reciever Model, when expanded and properly appreciated, is like a manual for the Communications major on how to use that one powerful weapon of modern society: social engineering. You know how information moves from each factor in the system, and how it is processed. You can manipulate that information so that it becomes the stimulus for your intended effect. Isn't that, in its most rudimentary form, how advertising works? You implant a particular stimulus inside the target market's mind, so when he or she comes across the associated trigger, you might have the desired outcome.

I wonder if these columnists think they're doing a service to the Republic by crawing like stormcrows over a storm that, even it hits, may not be as bad as they say it is? Hurricanes happen despite our control of the atom, but when someone knows that a storm coming, what do most sensible people do? They make the ship or house as tight as they can so they'll have a chance to live through the experience. And if they're additionally responsible, they'll help their neighbors prepare.

All this... crawing... what purpose does it serve except to deafen the sound of the church bells calling the people to gather and prepare? Why don't they instead craw against the predators in the midst, those who wish to take advantage of the storm to rape, pillage and plunder once more? ALTERNATIVES! SHOW US ALTERNATIVES! Who, those cowards in the Netherlands? Those bloodthirsty, intolerant, godless lieutenants they left behind who sap the strength of our youth by hoodwinking them to the supposedly historical inevitability of their dead religion?

Who, the so-called "opposition"? Please. I can accept why many among the general public believes these jokers, but... really now. Isn't it soo obvious....

*sigh*

There is nothing that brings me down more than a people acting like... lemmings. Incredible, isn't it? Whatever the hell is happening to the Philippines now, it's not (a) something we can't fix because (b) it's never really too late. Not when a people can bring together their collective energy, talent and skill to put their house in order. Perhaps it is true that travelling gives you a new perspective, and what it has done to me is appreciate the fact, that, yes, God has been kind to the Filipino. We are not Somalia. We are not shattered Yugoslavia. We are not East Timor. We are not, most definitely not, Argentina.

Yet... there is this seeming battle of... perceptions. I can See because my Training allows me to, both that of a regular Communications Major and the more advanced ones of my Mentat protocols. It would seem that the First Estate has bungled badly, and the Fourth is making it look so much worse while elements of the First take advantage of the whole situation to make it look much worse so they can regain power. The Third... is still nebulous to me, which can be fatal for a Mentat. The Second... is everywhere and nowhere, putting fires out, while fanning others to a conflagration, singing hosannas to God all the while.

All this chaos.

Yet the people go on. They strive, despite their leaders, to make little islands of serenity, stability and hope. Despite all the crowing of the Fourth Estate, the people still hear music, still hear laughter. There is, beneath all this chaos... something else. Something, though not exactly the bright tomorrow, is at least a calmer space. A place where there is hope, where people build, or at least try to. Again, despite their leaders.

All this chaos. All of it so... absurd. Like lemmings leaping off a cliff.

Or... maybe not... sometimes, the Human spirit needs chaos in order to leapfrog its growth. It is like spiritual kaingin, burning the dry grass to give a chance for new life to grow.

But... it's all so... disjointed...

How can there be anger and chaos among people who just want to live in peace and security?

Import #2 from my My Space: Musing on the Canvass of Votes

Thursday, June 17, 2004, 3:55 PM

Musings on the Canvassing of Votes

Considering how the Canvass of Votes at the Batasan has been going, you'd think people would refuse to give it a damn. Yet, there ARE lots of people in that gallery who were not bussed in by any of the camps involved, and many still tune in either for the live coverage or the news updates. Heck, I even saw the piece CNN did on the Canvass, or rather the delay in the Canvass.

Perhaps, after so many political upheavals, the Filipino has developed a... rapt fascination for political absurdity. As a Communications graduate (who wants to do an MA thesis on political communications), I guess I can appreciate the fundamental aspects of this fascination: it's not something the general public sees everyday (and they should be thanking God for it believe me...), which makes it a novelty - no matter how absurd - and therefore merits the attention it’s getting.

While watching Part N of the Digs Dilangalen Show, I actually entertained thoughts of how that loud, LOUD person could be made to shut up; wasn't there a sanction or some such that can be thrown his way, I asked our political operations officer. Looking at it in another way, such... antics from the "Honorables" of Congress is perhaps part of the appeal of the damned spectacle to the general public. Especially "Shut Up Evening", the whole Canvass could neatly fall in the "Hwow" category of Things You Watch to Forget Your Problems. It's like the mental equivalent of an enema: hurts like hell (hello, you get something shoved up your butt), but you get relief from whatever your hurting from. Well, kinda relief. More like catharsis.

Because I'm coming off from an as-yet unknown-sourced depression, I've refused using my analytical protocols to getting down to analyzing the whole thing and its effects on the national psyche. I know, I know: what I'm doing, this refusing to act the Mentat that I am, is tantamount to gross negligence. But... the whole thing is stressful than an episode of your most inane telenovela!

Of course, since I'm a Mentat and I DO check most of my information sources nightly, some analyses can't be avoided. I guess I should start with the bad ones:

Analysis One: The Opposition. In more mature democracies, Oppositions play an important role as the natural fiscalizers of the Administration. They are and SHOULD be the Incumbent's worst critics simply because an Opposition's role is to provide alternatives. Options, and the freedom to choose from a, b, c, ad infinitum, is the essence of democracy.

To use a literary term, Oppositions are the FOIL of the Administration, which for purposes of literary analogy we are calling the "Protagonists" (certainly they see themselves that way). Foils are not necessarily Antagonists by definition: they are simply the obverse of the protagonists. I think a good example most Filipinos could relate to are the Noli Me Tangere characters Crisostimo Ibarra and Elias: one was a pacifist reformist, the other a revolutionary who didn't mind getting his hands wet with blood. But both wanted a free Philippines, or at least one that wasn't too oppressed.

The Opposition right now, led by such characters as Ed Angara, Tito Sotto, Digs Dilangalen and - horror of horrors - Nene Pimentel are acting more like the antagonists of the Filipino people than foils to the sitting government. I hope nobody believes their drivel that what they're doing is in the interests of a fair, clean elections. Even those ten they paraded in Cebu... we have reliable information that backs up the driver's story about the 10 being plants of the Opposition. How reliable? We know who the guy is, the one who "found" the 10.

Its one thing I have great difficulty in accepting: that there ARE people who would literally endanger the life of the Republic and its people for personal gain and survival. For make no mistake, the Elections of 2004 was about survival, political and literal. I can accept the right of any individual to see to his betterment and continued existence, but the minute that person would be willing to sacrifice the lives of 70 million or so people is the minute that person loses that right.

Which leads me to Analysis Two: The Pimentel Phenomenon. I think this can be best summed in two phrases: "Why?" and "What the Hell?" I voted for the man last May 10, considered him a Statesman for his conduct during the RIO. He just won, on the strength of being just that, a statesman in an opposition largely bereft of such. Yet... I remember watching that filibuster evening. First there was confusion. Then shock, as Pimentel began what would be the start of a four hour filibuster. Finally, anger and indignation. I read Manuel Quezon III's piece on the filibuster and generally agree with his points, that the filibuster serves a purpose in democracies and parliamentary systems of governance.

But what Pimentel did was utterly... horrible. It wasn't just about your tax pesos going down the drain (Goodness, but that was some very expensive saliva), but about political maturity. MLQ3 used as an example that episode in The West Wing where the filibuster was used. But there WAS a valid reason for that filibuster. I can't seem to find one in Pimentel's. Is he perfectly willing to subject the nation to a constitutional crisis just to salve his wounded ego? There are far more effective ways to redress alleged cheating in the elections other than delaying the canvass with full intentions.

There are two theories supporting the Pimentel Phenomenon. One states that he's acting this way because of his passionate denunciation of dagdag-bawas; the man knows how it feels, after all, to be at the receiving end of cheating. The funny things about Theory One is that (a) the persons responsible for HIS being the target of dagdag-bawas ran with him in the KNP ticket, and (b) he never addresses cheating that was instigated by the KNP side. It's all about the Admin. If he IS against dagdag-bawas, then shouldn't he just as passionately be admonishing his colleagues in the KNP for their own operations?

Theory Two was also applied to Digs: that Pimentel ACTUALLY believes his own group's propaganda. This is frightening because Pimentel is still rather credible. If it were Sotto, Oreta or Enrile who was leading the assault on the canvass, would you give it any worth? But if Pimentel is a statesman, and a brilliant one at that, a veteran politician, shouldn't he recognize party BS from Truth? Jovy Salonga is much older, but try to put a fast one on the Grand Old Man and be prepared to get screwed big time.

Analysis Three is a bit scarier: The Opposition's Plans to Be in Power. I think we can also call this the, "Screw the Elections, We Won Regardless of What the Ballots Say" scenario. The flag points are all there: psycho-emotional preconditioning for massive cheating through priming statements; allusions to EDSA I, where the popular will was used to invalidate the Dictator-dictated ballots; "special operations" to follow up the priming statements and allusions, like the bombing of Katipunan Ave. and the Cebu 10; Poe going around and saying "I, er, we, er, the people won!"

Sotto, speaking during the rather tense episode of 16 June 2004, of course denied the allegations that they planned a walkout. But even as he did, everybody knows that the threat of such - who's stopping them from doing so? - is the Sword of Damocles that the opposition has over the majority for dragging the canvassing this long. The chairs of the committee can't shut the opposition up because they CAN and WILL walk out. In fact, that's what they're waiting for, that moment either Kiko Pangilinan or Raul Gonazalez buckles due to sheer exasperation and uses the power of their position and the majority to stop all the debates.

The walk out is the trigger. The opposition, ala-1986, will claim that the admin has railroaded the canvass and will now bring the "battle" to a different field, that of mass actions. Our current analysis shows that the KNP camp lacks the numbers, but I think our analysis failed to account for one factor: the "mainstream" Left. The National Demcorats - Bayan, Bayan Muna, Gabriella, AnakPawis, Migrante, NUSP, CEGP, LFS, SCMP, etc. - whose disdain for GMA and long-term goals of establishing a Communist state in the Philippines made them ally, albeit hush-hush, with FPJ and the KNP.

Those monitoring the opposition currently believe that any such attempt at hijacking the elections results via mass actions will ultimately fail: the general public is tired of it all and the AFP and PNP are largely non-adventurist, post-Oakwood. There is no support from the Catholic Church or the Iglesia for such, and the Catholic Student Councils, under the lead of the UCSC and CEAP, will not side with such an action by the KNP and its allies and will in fact most likely lead actions to defeat it on a civil society level.

But it will do damage. Lots of damage. Remember: the Philippines was well on the way to recovering from Martial Law when Gringo Honasan launched his nearly-successful coup in 1989. It was like a punch to the solar plexus for the Philippines.

But there are bright spots even in this dreary political landscape. For one, all this political activity is raising the political consciousness of the average Filipino. We've been tracking gestalts since the Estrada Impeachment up to the Davide Impeachment and it seems like Filipinos now think more on issues than gut-feel emotions when it comes to the political sphere.

And there's also the junking of People Power as a political tool. Of course, it will be used as such when the proper "ingredients" are there and the moment requires it, but nevermore like with May 1, 2001. Even as we used it in 2000, there was still the apprehension that certain groups could hijack it for their own purposes. People in mass actions are in an agitated state, and could be easily swayed by persons with the right training and skill. Besides, even then, we in KOMPIL II wanted to see the consti process of the Impeachment Court succeed. Mature democracies are founded on the efficacy of their institutional tools. People Power, as used in I and II and abused in May 1 2001, is still an extra-consti measure and therefore lacks the safeguards of democratic institutional processes. People Power is STILL a revolutionary action, albeit one without (much) bloodshed. And with the operators of civil society now in the employ of all sides, the chances of People Power being used for means other than what it should be for is higher than back in 2000.

In the end, no matter what happens in Congress or who gets sworn as President, the future of the Philippines still resides in its people. Sovereignty resides in the People and all government authority emanates from them. If this canvassing will serve to make the Filipino realize this, and use it responsibly to its fullest... then all this heartache and stress will be worth it.

Questions to Life

If I give up, will it matter?

If I go, will anyone come after me?

If I die, will anyone shed tears?

Must we who swore Oaths to serve and defend His people, to do His will, pay so high a price?

Do I have a right to be human when nobody, except one or two in my whole life, denied that right to me?

If I cry, is there anyone who will dry my tears?

If I scream, will anyone be around to fight my fears away?

Will anyone reach out for my hands when I am drowning?

What am I doing wrong? Why do bastards like Francis and Docefil rarely find themselves lonely? Why, by God's Most Sacred Light, am I lonely?

Why is it that when they need me to be there I can drop every fucking thing I'm doing but when I just need them to be with me, just so I can forget the sorrow trying to swallow me alive... it is sooooooo hard to find any of them?

What now?

Where to?

What is left of me?

Have we lost the war?

Do I even have a right to ask?

How - and why - can I love so much, care so much, when repeatedly it's been proven that, at the end of the day, those things don't matter?

Why do I even try?

Why am I still alive, then?

Thoughts Expressed in Music: Here Without You (3 Doors Down)

Artist: 3 Doors Down
Album: Another 700 Miles
Title: Here Without You

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby but you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it’s only you and me

Reflections on the (Possible) Truth in Futility

Everytime I get to thinking on a certain... sensitive issue, and whenever my thinking appears to have reached a certain, rather negative, conclusion, I seem to hear, over and over again, the words - reminder, really - of my old Philo mentor, Dr. Clemens Sedmak, on Truth: Be carfeul of the Truths you accept, because they will determine the consequences you must face.

But, even knowing the consequences that must be faced given a certain Truth, what if you have no choice but to accept that Truth? Because all the evidence points to it?

And then there are the Mentat protocols. Computations reached within the analytical protocols of a Mentat depend largely on the inputed data; after all, Mentats in Frank Herbert's Dune were supposed to be human computers. Thufir Hawat, the Mentat-Assassin of the Atreides in Dune, said that Mentats have a curse: you can't stop analyzing data. The data presented to you. They stack up in myriad patterns in your mind in the space of heartbeats, showing you all the possible iterations given the data you recieve.

You... can't... stop... analyzing... Even if you want so badly to deny what the analysis is leading towards. Which is why I have mental feedback episodes: it is me blocking my analysis by meeting the thoughts head on with static thought, causing the necessary imbalance to block the process.

But, just as I reflect on futility here, so is any attempt to block out one's analysis. It is futile. Just like the medieval Church, no matter how much you insist on it, or persecute people for it, you will eventually have to admit that the Earth is round and we are but one of nine (or eight, depending on who you ask) that orbit an average, middle-age star.

Futile. But there is a conundrum here: certain actions must have a specific form of reaction. One cannot push a ball and see it fly away! No! The ball must move in the direction of your force! If you hit a person, how high are the chances that your victim will smile at you and turn the other cheek? The Good must be honored, and Evil punished. The hardworking man must get his just desserts, while the corrupt, lazy, oppressive official should at least be behind bars.

In a very real sense, this action-reaction principle is what forms part of the foundation for a Mentat's analytical templates. Because reality is grouped into cause-effect system maps in your mind, you can process data faster. Because, given a set of actions, there are just so-and-so reactions and results. A good strategist depends on this predictability. Even if desperation makes a person's actions unpredictable, you at least know that that person will most certainly do anything, so you are prepared to handle whatever may come.

Yet, yet...

If you treat people with kindness, how will they treat you in return? If you stay by someone's side through pain, sorrow, frustration and trials, how should that someone feel about you? If you are loyal to your beloved, and show her all the understanding, caring and support you can give, not putting shackles on her but allowing her to fly free, and show her that you revel in her strength and brilliance, even without asking for what you give her shouldn't there be a reaction appropriate to your actions? If you serve your organization with the utmost skill and dedication at your command, what value would your organization give you, then?

My father told me this, just this afternoon: it doesn't pay to be loyal these days; they will never remember what you did for them, even if it was just yesterday. They will meaesure you only by what you give today.

He was talking about organizations and corporations there - a swipe at my loyalty to the Party and the Movement - but part of me kept coming back to nrealy three decades of observations.

These days, you show kindness, virtue and nobility of spirit, you are considered stupid, naive or weak, your kindess and virtue used against you by the cynics and pragmatists of this world. The person you stood beside today might turn on you tomorrow when you are the one suffering trials and pain, if it can advance their personal agenda. Your beloved, even given all the love, caring, understanding and freedom you showered on her, can leave you like so much waste paper if someone else can provide the most fun, or if she simply tires of you. Your organization, especially if it is under new management, can so easily tabula rasa your whole service record, place new people above you, and disregard the fact that, despite so little resources and opportunities in the previous times, you held the line for your organization, that you served it with so little compensation for so much pain and sacrifice.

Is it truly so... futile, then? We try to light a candle in the dark because we believe that light is good, but... why is there so much that blows out your candle? You hold people's hands over treacherous ground, if only so they will not be alone in that trial... but they push you away, after. You hear them cry for honor, kindess, virtue, understanding and freedom. But when you give it to them, you are taken advantage of, abused, misused, set aside. You are stepping stone, stopgap, substitute, cannon fodder.

You are expected to be there for them, be strong for them, to fight away their fears, dry their tears, slay their dragons.

And you do so. Because you love them, you care for them: your country, your beloved, your friends, your colleagues, your organization. You do so , not because you expect something in return, but because you know this is what is right.

But Maybe it is wrong to say you do not expect something in return because you do: you expect them to trust you, to respect you, to know that there is someone here who they can love and care for who will not hurt them or leave them or hinder their advancement. Because you love them , and have heard them cry out in pain and sorrow and hardship and you say, "no! It is not all pain and sorrow! I am here!"

So why do they despise you?

Why did they stab you in the back?

Why did they leave you?

Why are you alone, hurting, bleeding, dying from the wounds that were made on you by the very people you served and cared for?

Why is it that when it is your turn to reach out for help because you are drowning, because you cannot not heed your wounds anymore... not only is there nobody there, but they slap your hands away?

Futile. Oh-so-futile.

Among Tolkien's works, I consider my favorite his Silmarillion. Especially the story of the First Age, when the Noldor defied the Valar and returned to Middle Earth to recapture the Silmarils from Morgoth, falling under the Doom of Mandos for that defiance and for the Kinslaying. Eventually, despite the strength of the Noldorin realms in Beleriand and the Three Houses of the Edain they fall, thrown back in the Dagor Bragollach and decimated in the Nirnaeth Arnoeidiad. Finally, even their last refuge at the Mouths of Sirion falls. Victory over Morgoth was achieved only after Earendil and Elwing make their case before the Valar. By this time, only a pitiful remnant of the Noldor and the Edain are left, their kingdoms laid waste, their works broken.

But this they knew, as was foretold by the Doom of Mandos. Yet they fought on.

Maybe this is why the story of the First Age appeals to me more than the others of Tolkien's because I can appreciate it: I know how it feels to enter into a struggle knowing you will most likely lose. But you do so, anyway. Because, like the Noldor, you hoped somehow for victory, and you wanted to make a point.

So maybe the Noldor and Edain made their point. I wonder if I ever did?

Would that my story would be more like Beren's. Somehow, it seems more like Hurin's.

And that, was truly an exercise in futility.

Will anyone prove me wrong? Will anyone tell me, no, it is not futile?

Or is it also futile, even to ask?

On the Treatment of Benedict XVI in Media

Has anyone noticed the way international media has been treating Benedict XVI's ascendancy to the Papacy? Geez, its almost an unbridled muckraking session. Heck, in Britain, they've already smeared the Pope so bad one commentator said, "you'd think Hitler was the one elected Pope."

This is... appaling. I mean, I had my reservations about Cardinal Ratzinger - I am a Liberal Catholic, after all - but this is too much. Liberal as I am, I do understand why Benedict XVI took the actions and stands that he did. More than the office of Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith and Dean of the College of Cardinals, Benedict XVI experienced some really bad things about the reform movement during his early years as a Catholic theologian.

I think he still retains much of the ideas that marked him as a reform-minded person all those years ago, but he appears to be a man that understands the need to keep certain core values of the Catholic Faith inviolable. Although the Catholic Faith is adaptable to the needs of the time, it has to retain certain core values and principles if it is to remain true to Christ's teachings.

Maybe that's why I haven't been so critical of Benedict XVI as I expected if Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger was elected Pope. Yes, initially I though it was bad news to elect the leading conservative of the Catholic Church to its highest post. But amidst all the attacks on the man in media, what I think are the essential truths about Benedict XVI has greatly softened my views of him.

As Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith, he had to be "God's Rottweiler"; the job needed him to be so. But as Pope Benedict XVI, I don't think he will be as combative, as hardline. The job has certain small but important differences, foremost of which is that he is now not only the doctrinal head of the heirarchy of the Catholic Church... he is now its Supreme Pontiff, Vicar of Christ and temporal head of Catholic Christiantity. He is now being asked by God not to be His attack dog, but as father to all His people.

And, I think the things that make Pope Benedict XVI so unpalatable to many so-called liberals - and I'm speaking as one myself - is the very thing that will be his greatest achievement: his respect for tradition. Liberal and progressive as we may think we are, we should also accept the truth that the post-modern world has undermined many of the truths and principles that served as foundations for human society for so long. The analogy of people cast adrift amongst the waves of a raging stormy sea is apt. Pope Benedict XVI's insistence in time-honored values will hopefully balance the chaos of a rapidly-advancing world.

We'll see. His first real litmus test is coming soon, in Cologne. This is my personal opinion, but I think Pope Benedict XVI will surprise us all, pleasantly, when he meets the future of Catholic Christianity in his first World Youth Day as father to us all.

First Thoughts on Benedict XVI

For those keeping track at CNN or BBC (or wherever), you probably know already that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Dean of the College of Cardinals and Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith, is the 265th Vicar of Christ and has taken the name Benedict the 16th.

When I first heard from my sister about it (I was out, sorry), my first reaction was, "oh no." As a Catholic more or less holding liberal views, and as a student of history and knowledgable about what the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith is - the modern incarnation of the Inquisition - I suppose my gut reaction was rather obvious. In fact, if you track the news articles even preceeding JP2's death, there has been tension between the "traditionalists" and "liberals" in the Church. Of course, many of the critics of the ascension of "the Pope's Rottweiler" to the Throne of Peter come from the liberal school of Catholic thought.

But seeing the man for the first time as he gave the "urbi et orbi", I felt different. I don't know; maybe it was seeing the foremost doctrinal enforcer of the Church smiling that did it. Maybe it was the testimonials after about a man who had a human, caring side (check out www.iht.com). But I think we Catholic liberals will be (happily) proven wrong about Pope Benedict XVI.

As the new Pope himself put it, the main tension in Catholicism today is between "fundamentalism" and "relativism." His main concern as Prefect of the Congregation of the Faith was in defending the bedrock of beliefs that make up Roman Catholic Christianity, and his greatest fear was in the erosion of these beliefs by the "relativistic" attitude of a post-modern world, that there was nothing constant. In this, I don't think he was being a "doctrinal dictator": he was simply being a Cardinal of the Church, indeed THE Cardinal primarily entrusted with the defence of the Faith.

Let's wait and see. Despite his conservative outlook, he is a man said to be of excellent and formidable intellectual ability, and one who has shown a side that is human and caring. And, at the end of the day, regardless of what we think of him and his views, Joseph Ratzinger, now Benedict XVI, is still Vicar of Christ, Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. And as Roman Catholics, he is our temporal head. And although we should not follow blindly, we should at least take heed of the words and respect the authority of he who sits on Peter's throne.

Who knows, maybe given the storms buffeting human society in a post-modern and post-9/11 world, what we need is a sure and steady hand to see us through (",)

A Great Man Passes Away: Pope John Paul II, in memoriam

Before 4 this morning, Manila time, Pope John Paul II has... gone home to Christ.

I have never met him personally. In fact, I always maintained - not without a bit of regret - that I was one of the very few Ateneans who did not help in World Youth Day when it came to the Philippines.

But one need not have shook his hand to have felt the sheer... presence of the man. One need only look at the thousands, the millions, who turn out just to see him. The many voices shouting, "JP II, WE LOVE YOU!!!", and the sincerity in those voices to know that this was a man who touched the Human Soul in such an extraordinary way.

And to think that he was Pope of this day and age, a time when the advances in technology, science and culture has largely... trivialized faith. Or distorted it. Despite it all, John Paul II was respected, honored... and loved.

I think some of the most powerful images of the Holy Father were the ones where he comes into contact with the youth. The young of this age are well known for their conflict with the older generations, with authority, with orthodoxy, with conservative thought. "Rebellious" and "disrespectful" are common terms for the youth of today. Yet this man was loved by the young. I have heard somewhere that the adoration of the youth for Pope John Paul II could be likened to the treatment given to rock stars.

I have disagreed with some of his positions, particularly those dealing with gender. One of my theology professors once said that Vatican II made all three primary vocations co-equal, but it was JP2 who "restored" the Augustinian concept of the primacy of the priesthood.

Yet he is the Vicar of Christ. And not only that, but he was a man who deserved one's respect.

Perhaps because you knew that he was... genuine. When he showed how much he cared for the person in front of him, you knew he cared. It wasn't show. It was real. And maybe because I'm a young person myself, his special attention for the youth - this old, powerful man, the representation of ultimate authority and conservatism, yet placed the young first in his heart and understood what they went through, their pain and their confusion in a rapidly changing world - has always touched me deeply.

Part of me says that we need him more now, when so much hope and light have been taken from the world at the turn of this century. Everyday seems like we are coming closer to the Gibsonesque illustration of the future.

But even in his leaving, in his "coming home" to God, JP2 may have left us something precious, his last lesson to the world. Some people were saying that it was bad for them to show his slow progression to death. But he had a final lesson to teach. About life and the dignity of the Human Spirit, of the power of love and faith.

And even at his weakest, at death's door, he still fulfills his duty as God's Vicar, as the leader of His people. How many people have stood united in prayer, even as we stood on deathwatch? His death seems to have, even for a moment, eased tensions between the religions as Muslims, Jews, Anglicans and others prayed alongside us Catholics for this great man.

And maybe he has left me one final lesson, too. Maybe the one I have been looking for these past few months.

Thank you, John Paul II. I raise my Sword to you in salute, not just because you are the Vicar of my Lord, but because you are a person worthy of our respect and our love.

Thoughts on Suicide

While ruminating one day, my thoughts somehow went to suicide. The way my thinking was going, I was asking myself whether it truly is a mortal sin or not.

I said I'd look it up in Canon Law (heh, it even creeped out one of our law studes at LP HQ when I told her, after she saw I had Canon Law up on my browser, why exactly I was looking for it) but because of all the things we did today at work - oh, the stress! - I never got around to doing so. I also said I'd consult my profs and mentors at the Ateneo first but... I just can't wait, somehow, discussing this. It seems important to do so.

I was working on a couple of premises during my internal discussion. Yes, Church law says its a mortal sin. I don't need to look up Canon Law to say that. The branding of suicide as such is premised under the fact that suicide is a form of murder, albeit one where the murderer does not take someone else's life but one's own.

The next premises are what complicate the matter for me, particularly that of Hope, and its absence, and how one views God.

Let us establish the situation of the suicide. For purposes of this discussion, we will exclude fanatics who engage in mass suicides or (groan) terrorists.

Actually, we really can't say with utter authority what a suicide is thinking. We are not a party to the struggles a suicide goes through at the moment of the act. We are not THEM. Most of the time, our knowledge of the mind of the suicide is gleaned from the oftentimes available note, or from statements from survivors of suicide attempts. The picture we form is one of such hopelessness that to the individual so caught in a situation, there is but one option left and that is to end it all with the utter finality of death.

This is where the conundrum is for me. We can only glimpse at the situation of the suicide. Yet even this glimpse should engender in us a feeling at least of pity for the poor soul; isn't it utterly sad that a person is brought to such a situation where the only way out is death? That the negation of the Self is better over what pains the person? Yet for most people, even those closest to the suicide, there is a feeling of... I don't know. Revulsion at the act? Anger? Dissapointment? I often hear people describe suicide as cowardice; in fact, if I recall correctly, I myself have said as much in several occassions.

I just realized yesterday (when I made the original discussion, now lost due to a glitch in my palmtop that erased all my data) that this is sheer arrogance on our part: who are we to judge? We have no idea whatsoever what manner of pain the suicide was going through, why they were lead to such a path. In fact, where the hell were we when the suicide needed us? I have often heard that suicides were actually looking for another means of escape from their situation prior to the act but no one was there. Loneliness is such a powerful booster to hopelessness. It is so easy to think there aren't any options when its so dark and you're all alone, that no matter how hard you cry out for help, for understanding, no one answers. Or worse... they tell you to shut up.

*sigh* I wish that palmtop crash hadn't taken my data with it. My discussion was so clearer then.

My point is this: we humans, through our imperfections, have condemend the suicide. We look unkindly on them as weak individuals even as we mourn them, or even as we console those that survive. To further express our... outrage at the act, we have extended our condemnation to the suicide to the afterlife. The suicide viewed his or her life as hell, and we say that, because of their act of cowardice in the face of adversity, they deserve no less than the real thing at their death.

But... isn't God supposed to be merciful and loving? Is He not supposedly perfect, more so now that He understands what it means to be human when His aspect that is the Son assumed humanity? God knows how it means to toil under the noonday sun, to feel hunger, thirst and fatigue, to know physical pain and the stronger one that comes from a heart abandoned and betrayed.

Wouldn't a God of mercy and love look with pity on the poor, shattered soul of the suicide? Would He rather not grant that soul rest instead of condemning it to everlasting torment? Would He not embrace that lost soul and tell it, "no more tears, no more pain. you are home now" and embrace it, rather than turn His face and bid that soul begone?

I grieve for these lost souls. I know how it is to stand on the edge of the abyss and wonder whether it would be much better to just step off. At least the pain will be over in a matter of seconds. No more tears, no more loss, no more of this nigh-endless struggle.

Two people I know very well are suicides. One was a good friend in high school, and the other in college. I had laughed with them, argued with them, shared stories with them. The one from high school was a very happy person, and the last time my best friend saw him alive, she said he still seemed happy. The one from college was a rather troubled person, but the last time I saw him alive he seemed over the worst of it.

I was not close to either, but there were times after attending their wakes that I wished I could have been there to reach out a hand to them as they drowned in their sorrow. To hold them tight so they will not flee from this life with so much pain in their Hearts.

But I was not there. Were any of their friends there, in the end? All suicides, except the ones we removed from the discussion above, die alone. They die alone, usually in the dark. Alone, and in the dark. What thoughts must have run through their heads as they reached out for the coil of rope, or belt, or knife, or blade, or gun, or bottle of acid?

Yet even I am guilty of forsaking the Wounded, complaining sometimes that I myself am so greviously hurt that I have little strength left. We all carry pain in ourselves. We all avoid pain; that is an instinctive reaction of all that live, because it guarantees survival. The Bene Gesserit of Dune, in their Gom Jabbar trial, say that how one responds to pain and a seemingly hopeless situation determines humanity, that the animal will bite its hand off to escape a trap, while the human will endure the pain so he or she can find an opportunity to deal with the threat.

What if... we stood beside the suicide, set aside our own pain, and offered a hand of help to the other who is being consumed by theirs?

And if we imperfect humans fail to save the life of a suicide... would not a kind, loving and merciful God, one that knows what the human condition is all about, not offer that lost soul the salvation it never found in its lifetime?

Import #1 from my My Space: Commentary on the 10 Years Since the End of Apartheid in S. Africa

Because my little sister (only lately) asked to be added to my My Space friends list, I had the chance to revisit the thing and remembered I made three entries in its blog area. Here's the second one (the first was just an intro entry):

Saturday, April 24, 2004, 9:26 am

South Africa 10 years after Apartheid: Parallax to the Philippines

It's all over CNN: South Africa is celebrating 10 years of freedom.

I just caught a special report on the freedoms now taken for granted in S. Africa, like freedom of the press, a right guaranteed in their consti as much as ours. Prior to that, there was another presentation on the road to equality and freedom. Of particular note was their truth commission. I guess what struck me was the level of... closure the S. Africans as a people were able to derive from that exercise. Suffice to say, it has been considered quite effective in healing the wounds of a nation torn apart by a creed based on color.

Which leaves me to wonder: where have we gone wrong?

Of course, I'm not naive to think that those 10 years of freedom are picture-perfect. Even now, there is still much disparity between blacks and whites in the country, albeit mostly economical.

So what have we been doing wrong? Two EDSAs and neraly a decade later and it seems like we've not only lagged behind... but leapt backward. Way backward.

It's so easy to say that our leaders have led us astray. It is now a common belief in moderate civil society that all our present problems have their roots on Proclamation 1081. Arguably, that's true: Martial Law has horribly scarred the noble Filipino psyche. Then, intense politicking immediately after EDSA I further decimated the political landscape. It all reached a head with the Estrada regime, culminating in the second EDSA.

Now, especially with the elections just over a 2 weeks away, you regularly hear EDSA being bandied about, either as an affirmation or a tool of rejection. A political leader has either lived up to the promises of EDSA... or betrayed them.

To me, it actually beggars the question. True, the fate of a nation hangs in the hands of those few in a position to tilt it to one position or another. History is filled with individuals who have changed the courses of whole nations,and sometimes more than one nation. Nelson Mandela is one, joining, even while alive, an elite group in human history that includes Ghandi or Lincoln or Rizal.

But how much can one man truly achieve? Revolutions, whether the literl kind or the metaphorical one, is never about one man going rambo. Revolutions are about people realizing that that one man's dream is THEIR dream, about a people realizing that it is in their hands to transform that dream into reality so they can forget the nightmare they are in.

I've often heard foreigners ask with thinly-disguised incredulity how such a noble, skilled and gifted race as the Filipino is where it is right now. Sometimes, I find myself asking that, followed by the question on why am I wasting all these years serving a people that doesn't seem to CARE whether everything falls apart around them. Sometimes, I think, that the Filipino has been in adversity all his racial life that he's forgotten how to excell in peace and quiet.

It's US that's the problem. US as a people. We've changed the world many times over and yet we're the basket case of the most rapidly growing region on the planet, when just over forty years ago we were just second to Japan.

Was Mar Roxas that right when he said we've become a nation of incrementalists? That we've forgotten how it is to think big, to dream big?

I watch as South Africans relate their stories about the last ten years. What I find as the common theme among the myriad tales is one of idealism: the country and the people's welfare must come first. Freedom and equality was MADE to work by the South Africans. They fought hard for it, now they strive so hard to make its dream become a reality.

Where are the Filipinos? How many look to foreign shores for a better life rather than staying here and trying to make things work? How many people bitch and gripe about the system when they themselves breach it at every turn? How many Filipinos think about the welfare of their neighbors and their country on a regular basis?

It's so... annoying it hurts: a literate people with access to the latest educational systems, the highest technology, and the skills and gumption to use them. A felxible people, amiable and brilliant and agressively competitve. A people that is religious, generous, ethical at its core

Yet we're a basket case.

Maybe... Maybe it's time the Filipino people looked REAL hard at the man in the mirror. Before its too late.